It's an endless cycle with me. I breath in. Loved. I contemplate. Mistrust. I breath out. The end of everything I love and hold dear.
I'm incapable of being happy with another human being because I am incapable of expression of self. I can't ever describe who I am or what I think and I rip up the ground that has been built up.
I want more than anything to end this vicious cycle of mistrust and idiocy. I want to trust and to stop being so insecure. I need to realize that I AM loved and that someone DOES care about me and I need to trust them and how they feel and just love them back with all I am capable of doing.
Please... make it through all this bullshit with me. Be there for me. If we can overcome this crap; we'll be unstoppable.
I love you Holly.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Well, let's see...
As an update to my "post marker", I have since moved back to Coudersport, Pennsylvania and am currently living with Samantha and Nathan. I have a job now at Empereon Marketing and am about to go to the DirecTV department and making 10/hr. salary plus 8 commission per sale so that's pretty good there for me and I'm definitely excited about that. I currently plan on staying with Sam and Nate and just saving up as much money as is possible in the meantime.
Future plans? Yeah, this is where things get shitty and very unclear... I met a wonderful girl named Holly who I love and adore and that's where all the problems also begin. She lives in Havre de Grace, MD with her parents and I'm 5 1/2 hours away from her. All I want is to be able to see her and I'm stuck here all alone; it's depressing. I plan on using my paychecks to be able to visit Holly as much as possible but I don't know how it'll work out in that I don't know if I'll be able to stand just seeing her once or twice a month if that... I just don't think I can do it, meaning that I will probably end up moving back to MD to try to be with her and doing who knows what for a place to live and a job.
Things are bleak.
The future seems even worse. In about a year Holly has plans on attending a 4 year college, most likely in either Savannah, Georgia or Denver, Colorado. I really hope she goes to Colorado because I plan on following her if we're still together and I REALLY would hate to go back to Georgia... A LOT!
I'm then going to have to do it all again. Try to find a place to live and work in yet another completely alien place to me where I have nothing and no one. However if I can stop being so worthless and such a dickhead, it should all turn out really well in that I'll hopefully have my own place and a decent job and live near Holly's college. When she has time away from studying for college and working, she'll be able to spend time with me and that will just be fucking incredible. I can't wait for that. I just hope it all goes well. I truly hate to give up this great job I currently have, but if I want to be with Holly, I have no choice. And in truth, that is all I want; is to be with Holly.
Dammit I love her.
Future plans? Yeah, this is where things get shitty and very unclear... I met a wonderful girl named Holly who I love and adore and that's where all the problems also begin. She lives in Havre de Grace, MD with her parents and I'm 5 1/2 hours away from her. All I want is to be able to see her and I'm stuck here all alone; it's depressing. I plan on using my paychecks to be able to visit Holly as much as possible but I don't know how it'll work out in that I don't know if I'll be able to stand just seeing her once or twice a month if that... I just don't think I can do it, meaning that I will probably end up moving back to MD to try to be with her and doing who knows what for a place to live and a job.
Things are bleak.
The future seems even worse. In about a year Holly has plans on attending a 4 year college, most likely in either Savannah, Georgia or Denver, Colorado. I really hope she goes to Colorado because I plan on following her if we're still together and I REALLY would hate to go back to Georgia... A LOT!
I'm then going to have to do it all again. Try to find a place to live and work in yet another completely alien place to me where I have nothing and no one. However if I can stop being so worthless and such a dickhead, it should all turn out really well in that I'll hopefully have my own place and a decent job and live near Holly's college. When she has time away from studying for college and working, she'll be able to spend time with me and that will just be fucking incredible. I can't wait for that. I just hope it all goes well. I truly hate to give up this great job I currently have, but if I want to be with Holly, I have no choice. And in truth, that is all I want; is to be with Holly.
Dammit I love her.
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