Tuesday, August 15, 2006
The search for one's self must have a start (Or so I hear!)
A rekindled flame? No. A lost soul searching for a place to fit in? Nah. What do I really want? Not too sure. I'm lost, desperate, and sad. I have the constant comfort of others; yet I feel so alienated from them. Who could understand such an incoherent mess of a being? I hope for the constant betterment of self, but I'm so lost in my thoughts of nothingness that I cannot focus to even type this stupid blog, let alone find what I'm looking for. I've decided a few things in my life that I believe worth mentioning. I decided that I HATE the American language and English in general. It is the most worthless, useless fuck of a language there is! I mean DAMN! I can't even find the words in this stupid language to describe my bitter hatred for it! That blurb had to do with my thoughts on life actually... I hate to see my dearest friends and family wasting theirs on goals and aspirations of others. They are so sad to see and talk to, because you can see how blinded they are by what they were taught, not what they know. Of course you can't tell them that because they'll give their pre-conditioned response of "I live my OWN life. Don't you DARE tell me I'm unhappy! That makes you a hypocrite! YOU'RE the one that's confused, not me!". And so it goes... I want to save them, but I know it's hopeless and I certainly don't want to strip what happiness they think they've found by living another's life. It still brings me sadness though, to be so damn alone. If you're wondering; no I'm not talking about "saving" them, in the biblical sense. I fucking DETEST that worthless shit hack-job writing. Not because of the author's intentions of controlling and civilizing a ravaged country or world, but for how it was taken too damn far. Psychotics and madmen need control of people to feel power, so they further instill a long-winded scare tactic to control the masses, while murdering anyone who stands against them, informing them they are doing bad; or just anyone who doesn't have the same skin color as them. FUCKING ASSHOLES! I fucking hate people who are so fucking blinded and stupid they can't see that the bible is just a shitty book, written in an out-dated language. But I digress. No, what I mean when I say "save" them, is that I just want to somehow show them how stupid they are; so caught up in the everyday, or the "after-life" that shit book promises that they don't realize how TRULY precious life is. It depresses me deeply. I'm haunted by the fear of dying because I realize that once it's over, that's fucking IT... Of course when I'm dead I won't give a fuck, I won't give a anything, I'll just be dead, to others, not to myself. I don't want to die though, I love life more than most people ever will. It's funny; I was at work talking with my boss on the "touchy" subject of religion, and when I mentioned that I didn't really believe in anything, he said "Don't say that, only a fool doesn't believe in anything. Besides, you're too decent a person to not believe in anything." so I just nodded and let the conversation end there. It made me sad to know that people are THAT fucking stupid. Only god-fearing christian douche-bags are allowed happiness and decency towards others? What the fuck!? I am nice to others, because I love life more than you'll ever know, you dip-shit! I love life because I TRULY realize that this is IT... no more, for me or anyone else, so why not just be happy, and make others happy? Fucking idiots! Well, that's what I determined anyways. When I really came to realize that this is all there is for me, I tried my best to dertermine what it is I want out of this fleeting life I have, and what is it I don't want. That's where it all started anyways. Basically, I determined that I would start from the end and work out the details, backwards, from there. So, I figured that since I can't take anything with me and I won't have anything left on this earth except other people's memories of me... I'd want them to think kindly of me, and see in me who I was; a real person, a person so not lost or blinded... a happy person. So from that, I decided my ultimate goal in life is to just be happy and make others happy, because to me, that's all that matters. Then from there it was simple... just determine what I need to do NOW that will grant me my happiness of self and others. So, here I stand... hoping to get somebody to see the idiocy they live, and to hopefully stop it, so they can be happy and pass it on, so that ultimately, my lineage can live in a happy, non-confused world. That's the greatest dream I can fathom of a future, but I feel so alone in this, that it may forever be just a fading dream. I just hope to save you sadness, I could never express my real feelings of love for others through the pathetic linkage of 'Merican words, but if you realize in your heart what I mean, you don't need me to tell you anything at all. Good luck.... You'll need it!