Thursday, November 05, 2009

A Different Turn

So I'm currently single and as of today I'm choosing to remain that way for as long as possible. I need to work on me instead of pressuring for a relationship all the time. I need to focus on myself and what I want personally.

It's about damn time I realized this :P

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Please let this be the new beginning I've been begging for.

It's an endless cycle with me. I breath in. Loved. I contemplate. Mistrust. I breath out. The end of everything I love and hold dear.

I'm incapable of being happy with another human being because I am incapable of expression of self. I can't ever describe who I am or what I think and I rip up the ground that has been built up.

I want more than anything to end this vicious cycle of mistrust and idiocy. I want to trust and to stop being so insecure. I need to realize that I AM loved and that someone DOES care about me and I need to trust them and how they feel and just love them back with all I am capable of doing.

Please... make it through all this bullshit with me. Be there for me. If we can overcome this crap; we'll be unstoppable.

I love you Holly.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Well, let's see...

As an update to my "post marker", I have since moved back to Coudersport, Pennsylvania and am currently living with Samantha and Nathan. I have a job now at Empereon Marketing and am about to go to the DirecTV department and making 10/hr. salary plus 8 commission per sale so that's pretty good there for me and I'm definitely excited about that. I currently plan on staying with Sam and Nate and just saving up as much money as is possible in the meantime.

Future plans? Yeah, this is where things get shitty and very unclear... I met a wonderful girl named Holly who I love and adore and that's where all the problems also begin. She lives in Havre de Grace, MD with her parents and I'm 5 1/2 hours away from her. All I want is to be able to see her and I'm stuck here all alone; it's depressing. I plan on using my paychecks to be able to visit Holly as much as possible but I don't know how it'll work out in that I don't know if I'll be able to stand just seeing her once or twice a month if that... I just don't think I can do it, meaning that I will probably end up moving back to MD to try to be with her and doing who knows what for a place to live and a job.

Things are bleak.

The future seems even worse. In about a year Holly has plans on attending a 4 year college, most likely in either Savannah, Georgia or Denver, Colorado. I really hope she goes to Colorado because I plan on following her if we're still together and I REALLY would hate to go back to Georgia... A LOT!

I'm then going to have to do it all again. Try to find a place to live and work in yet another completely alien place to me where I have nothing and no one. However if I can stop being so worthless and such a dickhead, it should all turn out really well in that I'll hopefully have my own place and a decent job and live near Holly's college. When she has time away from studying for college and working, she'll be able to spend time with me and that will just be fucking incredible. I can't wait for that. I just hope it all goes well. I truly hate to give up this great job I currently have, but if I want to be with Holly, I have no choice. And in truth, that is all I want; is to be with Holly.

Dammit I love her.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Post marker

Sigh. I wish I updated this more. I just never know what to talk about. I'm currently waiting to start a job at McDonald's and I'm hoping to work towards getting my own place soon.

Also, I've been continuing my search for love and happiness. I've met some great people so far and I just hope I can find "the one" that I can share my life with.

I really enjoy it here in Maryland and I'd like to stay here and stop moving around so much and finally settle down.

I suppose I'll use this post as a marker to see how long it takes me to accomplish these goals. It's not really a question of "if" just "when". I've been in worse ruts than this before and I know I'll pull myself out of it and be even stronger for it.

Also I hope to be able to get into a good dojo here soon. I desperately miss martial arts and I'm anxious to get back into it.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Recently I had to make a decision I never thought I could actually bring myself to do. I've been talking with this amazing girl who would've been absolutely "perfect" for me in every regard and things were going really well.

That is until we got on the subject of religion. She wasn't by any means a religious person, she was much more spiritual and it was much more of a personal connection. The problem though, is that I have a complete and utter intolerance for religion in any form; I want that plague to be completely eradicated from this world. I have absolutely no symathy or respect for people's religious freedom.

I compare religion to the worst crime I can imagine; child molestation. Religion is the mental and sometimes physical arrest of freedom. Religious moderation (as some would like to believe) is not some kind of middle stance. It's not okay to be accepting of child molestors in any form. They should be tortured and murdered and get everything they deserve.

At first this choice was insanely difficult because I really do like this girl (still do) but I can NOT ever accept the encyclopedic ignorance of all advancements of mankind and the molestation of innocent children just because you're scared of dying.

I know I made the right choice and I feel stronger than ever in my convictions. It's also shown me a little more about what I do and do not want in a life partner. I'm learning a lot and I'm happy I was able to do the right thing in the end.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Tuesday, April 14, 2009