Sunday, December 14, 2008

Guess I'm a liar! :-P

Yeah, I definitely haven't been updating like I said I was going to... SORRY, dammit! :P

A lot has happened since my last post. I don't think I'm going to get into details and I'll try to keep this short, so here's a semi list of things that are important that are happening:

-I've joined GKS Kenpo Karate and I FUCKIN' LOVE it! It's really great and I'm VERY happy with it!

-I've chosen to be just friends with Evienne. I'm looking for what it is I want and what makes me happy in a relationship. I haven't felt that in my life yet, so I'm going to continue to wait until either I do find it or I just give up and settle.

-I work at a factory, Marietta Drapery and I cut the width of window blinds with a circular saw and even though that sounds repetitive and boring, it's a lot of fun and I love the job!

-I've made some great friends here (mostly through work and karate) and it's been great.

-I'm starting to get back on track with money that I owe and stuff and I figure by sometime in January I should be all caught up and I can start a real normal life here, and that's very exciting to me.

So yeah, I don't know what else to say right now. I haven't been updating because I'm real busy most of the time and I didn't know what to say because I'm sick of hearing the same questions and comments about the things I'm doing.

No one and I mean NO ONE listened to me when I said I was moving here for myself and I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me that things aren't working out with my relationships. I'm perfectly happy and I chose for things to be this way and I don't want to change it. I just want to be happy for myself before I try to have a serious relationship with someone. Right now the best relationship I'm having is the one with myself...

If I could, I'd marry and fuck myself all the time! Narcissism is key to me right now. I want to love myself, then share that version of me with someone I think is worthy. So, I'll try to let you know how that works out for me LOL!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Hope you like to read! :P

I am now a resident of Marietta, Georgia! :D

I'm utterly and completely drained of words to describe my happiness.

I fucking did it! I moved and I didn't falter or fail myself! I'm so fucking proud of me. I am my own hero! <3

Everything went SOOO well. I almost am starting to believe this was meant to be! The trip to the airport was fun because I got to travel with Kim and Matt, and they we're a lot of fun to hang out with and I can't thank them enough for helping me! With Kim and Matt's help, I was able to find my way around the airport and they got me all the way up to the security checkpoint where they then had to leave. After security, (which I had no problems with) I went ALLLL the way to the end of the airport to the 2nd to last gate and waited to board the plane.

I was so excited and nervous that the hours just seemed to fly right by. I was like a kid; looking around at all the exciting things and big airplanes and cool stuff. It was so fun. Then I got on the airplane with an aisle seat right next to the left wing. The inside of the plane (Delta airlines) was a lot shittier than I had expected. The seats looked awful (they were still comfy though), the aisles were tiny and I just had a grander vision of airplanes in my mind. A perfect description of the inside of the plane was that it was just like the inside of a greyhound bus! I don't know if that's normal, but I thought that was terrible :P

Still, the plane ride was a tremendous amount of fun! I LOVED the lift off and the decent parts! <3

I didn't have to sit next to disgusting people either! They were just some quite old couple, so it was nice. I got a free coca-cola (sorry, Sterling :P) to drink and I would not mind flying in a plane again!

I arrived at the Atlanta airport and this place was GIGANTIC! I mean epic! I didn't know where I was supposed to go, so I just followed the signs to get to the baggage place. That went fine (it was just a REALLY long walk to get there) then at the end, you could see people waiting for family and the signs overhead said "Baggage South" and "Baggage North". At this point my head just went "SHIT!" :P

I decided to try the south baggage because the sign was red and I thought it looked cooler :P

There were two huge carousals there and I looked for my bag on the first one and didn't see it. Then I looked on the other one and there it was! YAY! So, I really lucked out there :P

I grab my bag off the carousal and then I hear someone behind me and I turn around and DIED!!! <3 <3 <3 My mind and body went to complete shit and I was mesmerized. <3

Evienne said she saw my bag because she figured the duffel bag with the big stupid yin-yang on it must've been mine :P

I froze when I saw here and I wanted to say "hi" or "hello" or anything, but my mind was useless for those couple of seconds! <3

I finally was able to say "Hi, Evienne!" LOL, at least that's what I think I said :P I was so far gone mentally after seeing her, that I don't remember what I said :P

The point is, I said SOMETHING :P and then I gave her a nice big hug! <3


I really don't know what to say about her to describe how I felt when I saw her and when I see her now. She is perfection to me. So much more than I even had hoped for. She is PERFECT!! <3

Well after that we got in her AWESOME car <3 and she drove me around Atlanta to my house. We first stopped off at Publix so I could get some money from the ATM and do a little shopping for stuff for the house. That was a LOT of fun. I loved walking around with her, I didn't even notice the other people in the store, I was so infatuated with Evienne that I probably looked stupid to the other shoppers, just gaping at her and looking spellbound :P

We arrived at the apartment at just about 2:00PM and the landlord wasn't there and the door was locked. So I went to the lessies upstairs and asked for his phone number. They are so super friendly and they called him and let me talk to him on their phone. About 20 minutes later his wife arrived and talked a bit then had me sign the lease and I gave her $260 for rent, which will cover me for 2 weeks here. I should hopefully be getting a little more money soon and I can give that to rent as well.

I love my new apartment! <3 It's perfect for me. It's small but it's not dirty or disgusting, it just needs light cleaning and it will be perfect. The rent is $500 a month with ALL utilities included, and for this area, that's phenomenal! Every thing that happens keeps pointing towards telling me that I've finally done something right in my life. I am so damn happy!

I got an airbed that's really comfy and nice from Evienne. She also brought me food and a Fuze drink (her favorite).

Today, I was expecting to be lonely, bored, and not have enough money to pay the internet and phone bills. I thought this would've been a terrible day. But I got a shower, and got cleaned up. I then went for a walk to look around for potential jobs and maybe some shops I'd be interested in. On my walk Evienne spotted me and pulled over and picked me up! That just made my day and my life! That was the best surprise ever! She said she was coming over to surprise visit me <3

She took me back to my place and then opened the car trunk and pulled out a brand new 17" Widescreen monitor!!! :O :O :O

She took me completely by surprise with that! She purchased it with her own money to give to me! <3 I swear she's the best thing to ever happen to me! <3

We then went inside and got the computer all set up and I gave her my goodest hugs and thanked her <3

Then we we're both just standing around not knowing what to do and I finally worked up enough courage to ask her if she wants to cuddle! <3

She said "Yes!" <3 <3 <3

So that's what we did on the airbed :P It was great and she is SOOO amazingly beautiful. I was terrible :P I was so nervous and school-girl like. I couldn't look her in the eyes without wanting to scream and I just completely melted. I'm not going to go into more details :P but I will say she's a GREAT kisser! <3 <3 <3

She then had to leave, so I kissed her goodbye :P

Then when I was going to try to call Kim again to get some money, the Charter cable guy's van was outside. I was like "shit! shit! SHIT!" :P I only had $95 on me and the total (service plus connection fees) was $109.99.

The cable guy was super nice and said he would just add the remainder of what I owe to my first billing!

So, yeah, my day just got a WHOLE lot better than I thought it would've! <3

I (obviously) now have internet and phone service! So now you can call me! 1-678-239-4248

I don't know what else to talk about and I'm sure this post has gotten long enough :P

Just know that I have found my nirvana. I've found the pinnacle of my happiness and I continue to exceed it every minute I am here.

This is my dream.

This is perfection!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Well, I guess this is about it folks. Here I go!

I'm very excited about this. I'm also kinda scared and very nervous. I just want things to go well for me for once in my life.

I'll be going to work at around 4:00PM today and then after work, I'll be going straight to Kim's house to sleep for a couple hours, then we'll be leaving at 4:00AM Friday morning. She's going to drive me to the Buffalo airport where I'll have to wait until about 10:30ish when my plane departs. I'll be going straight to Atlanta, Georgia where I'll meet Evienne. I'm so nervous about meeting her. I really hope she likes me. I hope we can be happy together.

After that, she'll be driving me to the apartment where I'll be living and we'll go from there I guess.

I simply can't get over how surreal this all feels to me. It just has to be some kind of dream, how did I do this? How did I get to this point of complete freedom? I feel so empowered and confident in myself. I amaze me!

I can now tell my children to follow their dreams, and my life will stand testament that it can be done and that there is no reason you should have to settle for what you've been given. I'm so proud of myself and what I'm doing.

Thank you to everyone who's ever helped me in any way. To everyone who's been there for me when I needed help, or supported me when I felt defeated in life; Thank You!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Keeping the Rhymes Flowin'

I have an apartment now. It's not much but it's not ghetto, so I don't need more than that right now. Beggars / Choosers (you know) :P

I paid an application fee and a security deposit and I'll just have to pay the rent when I get there. $500 a month with all utilities included in that area is really great! I'll be leaving here Friday morning at about 6:00 AM, my plane departs at 10:35 AM and arrives in Atlanta, Georgia at 12:36 PM. I'm so unbelievable excited! I finally have a life. I finally have a future and something to look forward to!

I contacted Charter cable and they said they'd be by Saturday to connect the internet and phone there, so hopefully I won't be disconnected from communicating for too long. I have plans to start looking for a job on Saturday morning, then buying a few things I'll need for the apartment and maybe some food, then I'll wait around for the Charter people to get me set up. Monday is when I plan to start job hunting really hard.

I can't believe all this is really happening; it's incredible! What's even more surprising to me is the way everyone is happy for me and says I'm making the right choice by moving, and that they wish they could do it too! I never expected that! I expected "You're crazy, you're stupid, what the hell are you thinking, you can't just leave what you have here, etc.".

I suppose I'm not completely in the clear yet. I still need a little more money and I don't have a ride to Buffalo all planned out yet. Kim wants to take me but doesn't know if she can get off work, Lisa has to work so she can't, and if I want Sterling to take me I need to let him know REALLY soon-like. I just don't want to tell him to take off work if Kim's able to drive me. Hopefully I'll know something definitive by tomorrow.

I'm so damn close to living my dream life, I can't let something that simple stop me now. I can do this and I will. I will try my best to keep everyone updated on what I'm doing, if and when I get a job, and how everything is going for me. I'm sure it'll be mostly through this blog as I don't let much if anything stop me from just saying what I'm thinking or feeling. I feel more free when I write than when I speak, so for the best information on my life and what's happening with me; stay tuned. :P

WOW! Just a couple more days and EVERYTHING changes! It's one thing to think about what I'm doing, but when it's being acted upon and it's actually happening, it's mind shaking! I can't believe all this is happening, it's surreal. I feel like I'm in a light daze, a bit hypnotized. I don't know exactly what to expect and what challenges I'll have to face in the next couple of days and especially in the next month, but I do know that for once, I'm truly looking forward to something. I'm looking forward to the difficulties I'm going to have to face. It should be interesting! :P

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Join the Dynasty - Take what karma owes you!

I have a mother-fucking place to live in Marietta, GA! I will be located only 4.1 miles away from Evienne! <3

A lifetime of shit and now it's finally starting to pay off! I have a fucking life for once!

I wish there was a way to express my excitement and happiness... It's not possible.

I'm doing the insane and the improbable...

And I am making it fucking work!

Take that in the ass!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Is this a test? It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on...

The Struggle

The title is from a song by Tool. It reminds me of how I feel right now. I feel like I'm struggling and fighting to accomplish something amazingly difficult. At the same time, I feel completely incapable of summoning the strength to complete the task. And to add to that, I don't feel like I have anybody to encourage me to go for it. That I'm doing the right thing, that it'll all be okay, that I can do this.

And yet, here I am, just a few short days away from the unknown. I don't know what's going to happen when I arrive in Georgia. I don't know how much money I'll have by then, I don't know where I'm going to live, I don't know where I'll find a job at. It all seems so uncertain.

The Hope

I'm able to maintain a sense of self amazement. How is it that I, Brian Lucas, am capable of pushing forward through such opposing odds? I've set this situation upon myself and I've doomed myself to failure, yet I don't feel scared. It's not even the sense that I have no choice, so I have to make it work, it's the sense that, I will not let this defeat me. I will conquer my fears and prove to myself that I will do whatever I have to in order to acquire my dreams. I will never settle for what I've been handed and I will rule my own life. This is so much more to me than trying something new or exciting, or doing something random and crazy. To me, this is my life, this is my everything. This is me finally proving that I do and mean what I say. I finally feel like I'm more than just words. I feel alive. I am human. I am happy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Monday, October 20, 2008

My Life... My Real Life!

Today was a pretty damn good day, I'd say! Evienne and I were upset and confused and a little down yesterday and early this morning. Then after talking some more we soon came to the conclusion that we were both worried that we upset each other, not that we were upset ourselves. She thought I was upset with her, I thought she was upset with me, turns out, I was upset because I thought I upset her, and she was upset because she thought she upset me. Turns out we just wanted to make each other happy.

Confused? LMAO!

Once we realized this, we just trusted each other and things got a lot better. I had a wonderful day full of talking to Evienne and we had silly fun picking out wedding rings and children names. Evienne and I talk ALL the time! Every chance I get, I try to talk to her. I care for her a LOT and I want nothing more than to be with her every chance I get. I always hated talking on the phone, but I talk with Evienne for hours on end about nothing at all usually and I thoroughly enjoy that!

Look at this woman closely folks! This is the woman I envision spending the rest of my days with. The woman I look forward to seeing each and every day. The woman I'm truly proud to stand next to and show off to the world. She is my happiness.

She has stripped away the pain I felt deep inside, that lay dormant, corroding my soul. She has shown me so damn much in such a short amount of time, I am eternally grateful to her.


I had to call karate today to let them know what I was doing and what's going on. It was extremely difficult for me to do. I love karate, it's everything to me, it's my life goal, my hopes and my dreams. But in doing that and still feeling so certain I am doing what is right for me, I have proven to myself that I'm strong enough to do what I need in order to be happy. I have shown myself that I'm capable and willing enough to chase my dreams at whatever cost.

The greatest feeling I have right now is one of anxiousness. I'm anxious to get out of here, to be with Evienne, to start a new life in Georgia, to discover and fight for what I want out of life and to never settle for what I've been given. I feel strong and empowered. I feel undefeatable. How can I worry about not being able to have the latest and greatest gadgets or have enough gas money to go on a vacation, when I have to worry about where I'm going to live, how I'm going to survive, or what it'll take to be truly happy. Life is good to me now because I force it to be that way, I'm not taking any more crap from this life and I'm going to fight for what I want...

And I WILL emerge victorious!

Happy Holloween!

I sold my TV today and made $300 out of the deal. I then put all my money on my card and went home and purchased an airplane ticket for October 31st at 10:52AM out of Buffalo, NY. I'll arrive in Atlanta, Georgia at 12:36PM, where I'll meet Evienne and begin the life I've been waiting for!

Tomorrow morning I hope to go to Olean to sell my movies and games at EBgames, I just have to find someone to loan me a car. Whatever I make out of that I'll add to my card as well. Then hopefully tomorrow night I'll know if the girl from work wants to buy my Xbox 360 and stuff for another $300. Add in my leftover paychecks I'll receive from work, and also me selling my speakers for at least $250, and I think I'll be all set! If all goes very well the way I'm hoping it will, I could have close to $1500! I'm certain that if I had that much, I could definitely make life work down there!

I figure I just need enough money to afford a place to stay for a month. In that time I could find a job or two and work long enough to receive paycheck enough to pay for the following month's rent. After that, I'd be all set and I could then feel secure enough about living there. Then I can start worrying about things like what furniture to buy, where to take Evienne on dates to, and things of that nature.

That's my goal in life right now; to be able to worry about things like that. To have my biggest problem be "loveseat or couch", not "will I survive another day?".

So as of this moment, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I finally have something to look forward to. I finally found someone who I truly look forward to hearing from each and every day. Evienne means so much to me and I've been a complete failure at expressing that clearly enough to her. I mean, I know she realizes I like her and I care for her, but I feel she doesn't understand how important she is to me, how happy she makes me, and how deep my feelings run for her.

Evienne is most certainly the woman with whom I could envision spending the rest of my life with. I would look forward to waking up each and every day next to her. She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, talented individual and I can't believe I've met someone as wonderful as her. She's absolutely worth pursuing and that's what I intend on doing. I just hope I can make her even a fraction as happy as she makes me.

This woman means everything to me!

Friday, October 17, 2008

It begins!

And there you have it folks :P

A place to live! It's only 4.9 miles away from Evienne! <3

The lady I talked to was VERY nice and helped me out a LOT!

All I need now is a little bit of money (about 1,000 dollars) and I'm SET!!!

Take that! :P

What a day!

Hah, I was just about to start writing about my day and how rough it was on me, then just as I held my fingers over the keyboard and thought what I'm typing now, something occured to me: "I have something to talk about for once! I feel like I have a life! I feel like things are happening, for better or worse, I feel like a person!". That really amazes me, I've never felt that way before!

Well, what I WAS going to say is that today I told Fox's Pizza that I intended on heading south by the end of this month, and that I wished to put in my two weeks notice. My nerves were shot and my heart was racing, I was so worried about what they would say or think. Even though I know it doesn't matter, I got myself that worked up, it was terrible for me. It went well and she knew what I was going to say before I even said it, and she didn't say much else. I don't know what I thought she might have said, but I was worried about what she'd think. I just can't let myself dwell on it and I just need to forget about it.

Well, then I got home and told Kim about me leaving to head south and she went home and told Matt and Keayra. Keayra was terribly upset and started crying and begged Kim to let her see me :( I felt so badly for her. I knew she liked me and loved me as an uncle, but I didn't realize she loved me THAT much! It was really touching. She brought me all her favorite Pokemon cards and a one dollar bill, in case I want to buy a soda. It took all I had to not break down and cry.

But because of this I now feel certain I'm doing what I feel is right. If I can deal with all these things happening to me and still feel as sure as I do about moving, then I feel I'm truly doing what I want, and not what everyone else says I should be doing. I finally feel free, like an individual.

It is by no means easy for me to do this, but because I'm still so certain about going through with it, it feels wonderful! I'm so happy for once in my life! I can't stress enough how I feel.

I can also find solice in knowing that it doesn't have to be the last time I talk to or see my family and friends here. I can e-mail them, write them letters, talk to them on the phone, and visit them on holidays or just because. At least I can tell them I found something I wanted in life, I found a direction to head towards and I fought valiantly to aquire my own happiness! I sought my own dreams and didn't let them slip away from me! I'll feel like a hero.

I am going to love living in Georgia! It's so much nicer there than here or Florida as I've previously mentioned. I'm really excited and I've found apartments to look at on Craigslist and jobs as well. I've got a flight planned for November 3rd, in which I'll arrive in Georgia at 9:52 AM. I'm so damn excited to meet Evienne! I'm so fortunate to have someone as wonderful as her to help me get situated and instill confidence in me that no matter how daunting it all may seem, there will always be hope, and that I CAN make it! I can't find the words to explain my feelings for her that have developed. I care for her beyond explanation, she is a beautiful, talented, intelligent, funny, caring, and loving woman; I could not have asked for better. I love talking to her and she always makes me feel happy and secure. She is the strength I've been looking for to move forward with my life. She's always there for me to make me feel better when I feel hopeless, she's the light that glows inside my dreams and my soul. With her, I feel invinsible!

Like I've mentioned, even if we don't mesh well in person and a relationship won't work for us, I'll still be able to live and enjoy my life in Georgia. I could find someone else to share my happiness with; someone who wants me, someone who wants to love me. I just feel right now that with all my heart, I just hope it's Evienne who becomes the love of my life! I care for her so much, she makes me so happy and I want it to work out and I want to have a happy life with her, but I just won't let myself feel hurt or sore if that's not what happens. No matter what, I know I'll be happy.

I'm just so damn excited about something for once in my life. I am anxious to have a life I enjoy! I can't wait much longer!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A little hope

Well I have an offer for my TV and my Xbox 360 so far, and just today it finally occured to me that I can sell all my movies and games to EBgames for cash! I know it won't be much, but I don't care about the stuff anymore and I just need as much money as I can acquire!

I plan on being out by the end of this month at the latest. Knowing my luck that won't happen, but I remain hopeful.

I will be so happy to be able to start over.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I feel so sick :(

I just want to be there so badly. This is really killing me. I'm losing focus and having trouble thinking straight at work. Evienne is on my mind constantly. I've never cared for anyone like I do her.

I want this torment to end. I want to be near her so intensely :(

Please, I'm begging; if there is ANYthing you could do to help me be with her, PLEASE help! I have fallen for her so hard. I don't know if we'll "work out" or not, but I do know I want to try. I want to know I did everything I could to be with her. If nothing happens, at least I'll be in a state and setting I can enjoy moreso than being here.

I am putting a lot of hope into this, but I won't let myself get hurt. I'll be happy no matter what.

I just wish with all my heart that I can share a life with Evienne. I hope she feels the same towards me.

I can't take this much longer, it hurts...


Estate Sale :P

Does anyone want to buy my awesome stuff?

I'll really appreciate it! ;)

Message to Sam and Angie (and whoever else may care)

Hey Sam sorry I missed talking to you. I've just been infatuated with the new girl. I've been ignoring all the other people in my life. I don't feel bad about it though because anyone else in the world would do the same if they thought they were in love and as crazy as me :P So, just don't think it's against anyone in paticular, I'm just living in my dream world.

Angie, I'm moving to Marietta, Georgia. It's about 30 minutes away from Atlanta. I don't know the exact location yet :P

I found a couple people at work to buy some of my stuff and if it all goes through, I should have about $800 from it!

I'm going to wait as long as I can stand it (which at this rate, won't be long) and then I'm going to gather all my money and a duffel bag of clothes and stuff and hop a plane to Georgia.

I decided that I really want to be in Georgia even if it doesn't work out with her. I think it's a great place because it won't get TOO hot, it won't get TOO cold, it's not in the middle of the city, and it's not out in the middle of nowhere. Shopping and malls and stuff are just a jaunt away.

I think I'm going to be really happy! I can't wait to start over. I also have to keep in mind that just because I'm moving doesn't mean that I can't still talk to everyone that I care for. I'm sure I can find time to visit once and a while too.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Found Her!

This is the end of me trying to lie to myself. I've now come to grips with my insanity.

I will do anything I have to in order to make myself happy. I've grown stagnant, I've been rotting, and now I've found hope. A hope of my entire life's dream.

I know what has to happen now, I have made up my mind.

I'm moving.

Moving on with my life. I'm leaving the decay I feel being here, I'm chasing a fairy tale dream land. No matter what I'll always be happy. It's now time I shared the real me that no one has ever met. Nobody has EVER in my ENTIRE life known who I was, what I thought, and what I felt. But as the title suggests; I've found her!

I've been shown things I was completely oblivious to. I thought I was content, until I realized I have nothing here. I need to do this to prove to myself that I'll never "accept" or "settle" for what I've been given.

I'm throwing it ALL away to chase something that rightfully shouldn't exist. I'm completely delusional and idiotic when it comes to the "real world", I have no desire to deny this truth.

I live in my own dream, I actively choose to be unaccepting of reality. I love it.

I feel alive because I don't accept what I should see as "real", I keep chasing a fantasy, a story book children's tale. I love being foolish and stupid. It's enabled me to not be attached to objects, to material posessions. I realize I can't take all this shit with me, so there's no point in living for it. I want to etch-a-sketch end this life I've led so far and start over.

I need a new life. I need to do this now before I convince myself I'm being crazy. I KNOW I'm crazy, and I simply can't express my self correctly, but if you want to know me, what I think and feel; know this:

I am happy. I love myself. Leading a "reality based" life is not for me. I will continue to live a fantasy for as long as I live. I will always be caught chasing love. It's all I desire; is to be loved. I've never felt love in my life. I fooled myself in to thinking I knew, but I was blinded and oblivious. All I know is that when I do find the love I'm looking for, I won't have to work to find it, It'll just feel right to me, I won't have a choice because my whole body and spirit will force me to feel true love. I am happy.

If all I've said sounds random and non-sensical, I'll gladly make it clear :P

-I'm moving to the state of Georgia to chase a girl I met on an online dating site. I've only been talking to her for about 5 days, and I'm sure I don't know hardly anything about her and what she's like.

It's that simple:


Thank you to everyone who's ever even talked to me. I appreciate all I've been given, but you just have to deal with the fact that I'm not going to just settle for less than I deserve.

If I died, I'd die knowing I'm insane enough to chase love all over the world. I'd know I did everything I could to feel loved. I would die a VERY happy man!

Thus begins a new chapter in my life...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I am so fucking lonely :( I hate being alone. anyone who knows me knows my biggest fear is to be alone and that's all I feel anymore, is so desperately alone.

I find the VERY limited amount of people I'm interested in and something is always wrong. It's depressing.

Maybe I should lower my standards and just get anyone I can that's nearby. :((

I want to scream but no one would hear me.

I feel like the only people I can talk to don't give a shit about me anymore. They either think I'm boring or stupid or both.

I hate this. I do NOT deserve this shit... this steaming pile of endless excrement.

I'm not stupid and I'm not a bad person, so STOP treating me like I am. I know you're stupid and you've made bad mistakes, but I'm not as dumb as you. I've messed up more than you ever will. I'm a complete fuck up and my life is a testament to that. I've learned my lessons from my mistakes and am WAY ahead of you in lessons learned!

I've grown up WAY before my time and I never had a chance at a real childhood. No one cares about me. No one and I mean NO ONE ever showed interest in ME! I was never asked the right questions and no one cared enough for me to try to ask. No one knows or understands me. No one cares about why I think the way I do. It's so fucking endlessly lonely. I love myself and know what kind of person I am, but no one else feels the same towards me.

I just want to be wanted. I want to be loved. :( I HATE being so alone!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Single and lovin' life! LMFAO!

Hori SHIT!! My life is fuckin' AWESOME! I've lost weight, I look fucking HOT, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm a wonderful person, I'm an atheist (which proves my intelligence), and I just FUCKING RULE!!!

Your loss BITCH!! LOL!!

Friday, October 03, 2008

Naya is my hero!

Oh my fucking god! LOL! I don't know how to thank you enough Linnea, I owe you BIG time!

I finally have the internet back at my house thanks to her!

I am more happy than I have been in a LONG LONG LONG time!!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

At least I think I'm interesting! Sheesh!

Screw you assholes, all you pieces of shits.. You'll all get yours! I'mma stalk and kill ya'all!

Nah, not really, I'm feeling a little too lackadaisical today, so you lucked out this time damn ya!

Actually I'm really excited now, excited about meeting new people and doing the dating thing. I've never actually done it before, so it sounds fun to me.

I know what I want and I'm not going to sacrifice my integrity for anyone. So no matter what, I'll always be happy.

Maybe tomorrow I'll murder you...

...don't sleep!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Boy do I feel stupid!

Yep, I failed... go figure!

What the hell do I have to do to be happy?

This sucks :(

Monday, September 29, 2008

I always fail :(

I'm scared shitless. I don't know what to do. My nerves are COMPLETELY shot. I'm so worried she won't like me, I just want to talk to her so badly.

God dammit I'm a fucking creep! How could I possibly expect anyone to ever like me? I don't know what to do, the waiting is killing me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I've gone bat-shit insane.

I just feel so worthless, I can't seem to do anything right. I have a chance at someone I truly like and I just fuck it all up. I'm am so fucking stupid. I just want to cry so much...

It's not fair. :((

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Stimulated the Economy!

Holy shit I didn't know that I could be THAT impulsive!! :o

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A sad day for Coudersport. Death of Super Kwik Fill Man!

I got fired from the K-Fizzle for selling cigarettes to a poser (someone who looked like they were underage).

I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'll probably end up being a nurse or janitor.

I'll probably end up cleaning people's shit either way.

I have a dream but I was born into the wrong family so apparently I'm not good enough to aquire what I want.

I hate right now.

I'm just not sure who I hate most.

Is it the teen smokers out there?

Is it the anal mothers who bitch and moan and make these stupid laws take place?

Is it the company?

Is it myself?


I really did enjoy my job. It makes me quite depressed.

Now I have to look for a job I know I'll either not get or REALLY hate doing.

I realize I couldn't possibly work at Kwik Fill forever, but I did want it to last longer than this. I feel like such a failure to myself, to my coworkers (who I completely screwed over now), to my family, and mostly to Naya.


Fare thee well SKFM, you were a hero in someones eyes :p

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Charlton Heston dies at 84
The Hollywood legend, best known for "The Ten Commandments," has died of unspecified causes.
HAHA!! I hope the fucker got shot :p

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Can't Get Enough!

There's nothing quite like middle aged men in collared shirts with sweaters on talking about home theater to get my dick throbbin'!

I want "Hot Men in Sweaters II" for my birthday! :-)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Have you ever thought seriously what it would feel like to KILL another human being?

Thats a tough one for a normal person to truly comprehend..

And no, I do not want to kill someone. I've just been trying to contemplate what it would feel like so that I can reflect that in my kata for karate....

It's not nearly as easy as it sounds.

I can't imagine what it would be like to KILL someone; to take away their life... Even if it is in self defense...

Maybe they have kids or loved ones that they can never again say "I love you" to...

This is making me very sad to think about it.. but it's what attitude I NEED to reflect...

And I know that if it came down to it, I would be a LOT more worried about me or ones I care about being the ones to die....

I still insist, it's not an easy task. :(

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

K-Fill moves into the 21st Century! Huzzah!

Today I went to Port Allegheney to learn how to use a push button register and electronic pumps..

Tomorrow I'm goin' back for more o' the same..

I thought for sure I would hate it but it's really cool :)

I went to train because in about a month Coudersport Kwik Fill will finally get rid of the 1969 pumps and step in with the rest of civilization.

4:11 A.M.

I feel oppressive...

What is it I want?

I try to enjoy life, but I destroy others. I feel unfit for the challenges of this world...

Every time I think I know what I want, I discover it's fleeting joy, all too soon I waste my time on things that hold no importance to me... I have no idea what it is I want from this life; love? joy? children?

I live vicariously through the happiness I see in the world, yet I feel as though my eyes are not mine. I live like a robot, pumping through the everyday to get somewhere that does not exist.

I have fear, love, kindness, and joy.... Why is it insufficient? Why do I feel as though it is not enough? Am I greedy?

I don't think so...

I'm just SO damn uncertain about my goals...

I just want to be happy, why am I made to feel so worthless everyday? Nothing I do is ever good enough.

I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I can't shake the feeling of death, it consumes my thoughts EVERY day.. It's making me loose focus of what I need to do NOW!

a) Take care of myself: mind and body

b) Find what makes ME happy, and work to acheive MY goals

c) Think of something new to think about

d) Do whatever I can to feel like I deserve someone as wonderful as Naya

e) Be a better Brian....

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Waiting and working...

Waiting and working...

Waiting and wo... HU-YHAK-AH-SHA!!

--The day is coming--

-Fuckin' 'Ell I can't wait!


Saturday, February 16, 2008


So, for those that don't know or those who stay inside a lot..


Fuckin' pumpin' gasoline makes my nuts shrivel!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Calibrate your dumb ass!

Something else that gets to me:

[-=Commence mindless rant=-]

People; about 97.3% of them as a matter of me guessing how many dumb fucks do this:

The majority of the population out there who buy all this incredibly expensive CRAP! The ones who live by the creed "bigger is better!", such as the ones who buy the BIGGEST god-damn TV they can afford and plop it in a 1000 cubic foot room and sit 4 feet from the damn thing.

Let me paint a senario for ya:

Some dick-wrangler decides he wants to be the kewlest (read, biggest dumb fuck) on his block! So, what does he do? He saves up his hard earned pennies, the goes to wal-mart, buys the BIGGEST rear projection HDTV he can for what seems like a wonderful price!

Then the dip-shit takes it home, hooks it up to his SDTV cable line and use all coaxial or composite connections to hook it up and leaves the factory calibration the way it is and proceeds to brag to all his friends and family how awesome (read, how dumb fuckish) he is!

Now, normally this wouldn't be so much of a problem for ME, because it's not my problem...

Trouble is, it IS my problem when such people tell me how they have an awesome TV and my AVIA calibrated 32" LCD HDTV is too small and looks bad to them.

It is also my problem when, I've assumed, 97.3% of the population make up these dumb fucks, thusly forcing TV makers to adjust their criteria based on these cum-guzzlers!

[-=Ceasing mindless rant=-]

Just thought I'd share..

Wise the FUCK UP!!

Still goin' okies for meh!

I just got me a $0.25/hr raise at the Kwik Fill! Huzzah!

I'm up to a whopping $7.75/hr! :-

Actually, I still love working there and I still don't have much need for money so it's all good for me!

If you had a baby and the IRS gave you an extra couple of thousand dollars for the tike, would you:

A) Use the money to buy your baby necessities which normally you couldn't afford?


B) Blow it all on guitars, video games, and tv's?

That last post was about how some worthless people PISS ME THE FUCK OFF!!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Fuckin' IRS! GRR!

That's SO fucked up!

Summary of IRS to taxpayers:

"Congradu-fuckin'-lations! If you are a whore or slut or complete asshole, we will be sending you a check weighted on how much of a piece of shit you are! So, you moved out of your parents house, got married, and knocked up at only 17 y/o?! Well you're in luck, because we want to pay you for being a worthless pile of dog shit!

As for all you so-called 'people with morals and standards', (whatever that means!) this should be a good reminder to you to get hitched and knocked up NOW!! We enjoy you mooching off of government cheese!

Better luck next year! *wink*"

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Black Panthers?

Taking Goshin Jutsu Karate is my new life :)

And it's a pretty good one!

-and I guess that Naya chick is pretty okay too. :p