Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Truth and Pain I Bear Every Day

It's difficult for me having to live in the shadow of someone else. To always be compared and contrasted to someone I don't even know for every action I take. The desire for something you don't have is too great to bear. You can't appreciate what you have, when you're overcome by the wanting of something you don't. Meanwhile I'm left in the torrent all alone. I've noticed an incredible trend in the way people talk and the way they write on their blogs; always afraid to mention specifics, when everyone knows what's being talked about anyways. It's worth mentioning that to me because it actually has me almost afraid to name names. But I realize how retarded that is since the people this concerns are the people who know exactly what I'm talking about. As for the people it doesn't concern, why should I care if you know who I'm talking about. So for absolute clarification in what I'm trying to say, and to make my life a lot easier: I'm talking about how I, Brian Lucas have to live in the shadow of Scott (unknown last name to me) for Linnea's affection. I'm what she has. I'm what Naya can't appreciate because she has no room for comparison to someone else. She wants desperately to experience the world, to find her fairy-tale ending. She wants the journey, she wants the pain, the hardships, the overall experiences, and the ending that compiles her efforts into a euphoric sense of achievment. And I'm the destroyer. I tell her how wonderful she is, and I try the best I can to show her how special she is to so many. But in the end, she sees me as a blockade. She of course would never say that because she DOES care about me GREATLY (I'm not completely stupid). But I can see it in her eyes, and I can hear her heart screaming for it every second of every day. Naya and Scott have a bond that I NEVER had any intention on breaking, hell, I even encouraged it. I tried my best to let Naya be happy, even if it meant losing her to Scott. But in the end, it just backfired on me. The idea for me was; I wanted Linnea to just be happy. I love her greatly, more than she'll ever realize it seems. I say it backfired because I'm still with her. She doesn't appreciate me, her heart is screaming in the pain and I feel for her. I messed up my chances of having her heart by stopping her from seeing Scott. If I would have let her see him, she would have appreciated me more, and at least then, I would have stood a better chance of her affections. But, I did everything in my power to stop her from meeting him in some random location (to stay in a hotel for the week no less) to prevent her from getting hurt; or worse, killed. She seems unable to forgive me for this as she thinks I just wanted to have her to myself. All I wanted was her happiness, but not at the expense of her life. I would have given up Linnea to Scott, and I will still let her go to someone else, if it means she'll just be happy. I love her more than I could ever possibly describe. But I will NOT let her get hurt or die for it. She views me as a restriction to her happiness, and if it means saving her life, than I can live with that. I fear I will always be alone, always misunderstood. But I don't care... I would GLADLY give my life, if it absolutely ensured her ease of life; her happiness. That's not to be misconstrued as me not caring about myself because I love life, and I love living, but I mean nothing in my heart compared to her happiness. I feel I can never express what I'm thinking clearly and that it will cost me everything I hold dear. This is what makes it difficult to sleep; to live. I just wish I could make Linnea understand me better, but that's no easy feat, when you're just a shadow of someone so great, someone who's been there for her for a long time. I can never make myself able to have been there for you for a long time, but I will give everything I care for to just make you love; to just make you happy. This, I fear is the only legacy I can leave her. I want desperately to be cared for and loved, but I would never let my feelings stand in the way of her happiness. I just wish you knew Linnea. I love you dearly. -Brian Lucas

1 comment:

Pirate Shelba said...

Brian you are the kindest person I know.