Sunday, October 29, 2006


Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sounds like Xa's post :p

Listening to Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails song "Hurt" gave me the chills.

Haven't had that happen in a while :p

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Just Try To Understand, Please!

The whole point of my spewings was to just make sure that you viewed me as a person, not as Satan's henchman. You seem to understand that and you seem like a relatively intelligent person yourself.

So with that I ask you that you use your intelligence to try to understand this:

I know why you "found" God and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. I don't know you that well Angie, I never got to know you really well, and that is something that I do regret. I care about ALL my family, and I've made some grave mistakes in my past, but I can't change that and I can only be the best person I can be now.

You must be able to realize that I know you care about me and that I care about you, and that I'm not insulting you with my posts to make myself feel better. I realize that I make plenty of mistakes all the time, and that I'm always learning. I know for a fact you're not stupid or ignorant, you've taught me a lot in the past, that you probably don't even know you did.

Now, the reason I say I know why you found God is that I know what kind of a person you used to be. It may have not been the person you felt inside your self, but it was the person you projected to other people, the people who didn't know you to see how wonderful you were. Surely you had friends in your life, surely you had plenty of happiness. And I know for a fact that you had a LOT of happiness that I could never know about.

What I do know however, is that Angie that I remember so vividly. The Angie that laid on the couch most of the day, watching TV and reading TVGuide. The Angie that cried a lot. The Angie that seemed sad and lonely to me, her brother. The Angie that tried to change that many times over by working out, eating better, doing things that made her happy. With what limited time I had with you, it never seemed to work out for you and inside me that made me sad for you. I always cared about you and it made me worry to see you so miserable all the time I knew you.

Then it all changed.

I suppose it was five years ago, like you said, that you changed who you were for the much much greater. You've been a completely different person from the one I knew. AND THAT'S GREAT!!! You seem SO much happier. You deserve happiness and I'm glad that you've found it in the right place.

That place being church and God.

I view your finding of God as a group, like the girl scouts, or after-school program. The difference being, your group has much nicer people than most. You've found a group of accepting friends; people who accept you for who you are. People who treat you as you deserve to be treated. You've found happiness, friends, safe fun, and hope. Hope of something greater. Hope of a better future for you, me, and everyone else. You found friends who genuinely care about your feelings, and who won't be so apt to get you in trouble; good people.

I'm ecstatic for you. You'll probably never know how much so.

It just upsets me when you suggest I'm being manipulated by the devil, that I'm not even my own person, just a puppet. I don't appreciate that. I haven't found God because I've used common sense, and I've accepted in my heart, the harsh reality that I WILL die! I've accepted that there is nothing to look forward to in death. But that doesn't stop me from hoping; hoping for something greater, and there is nothing wrong with hoping for a better life. But I don't use my hope as a weapon against the ones I say I love. I instead try my best to embrace what I do have with my family and cherish what I do have, instead of dwelling on what I don't.

I love life and I love my family, and I do my best to show it. You're one of the greatest people I've been fortunate enough to know, even though my time with you seems so short. I hope for better experiences with you. I miss you.

You deserve to be happy, and you deseve to meet someone special who shares your views. Please, don't ever "settle". You deserve greatness and there is nothing stopping you from acheiving it but you. And so far you seem indestructible in this path!

Keep it up, and know that I'll ALWAYS love you. I respect you the best I can, and I realize I'm not extremely intelligent, but I do know what I feel is true. And I feel you're a great person and you will be happy if you want to be.

I'm sorry but it's late and I'm tired. I'm going to turn in. Thanks for taking the time to read this, that alone shows me how wonderful a person you've become! -Kamui-sama (Brian J. Lucas)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I appologize for this LONG post, but it's important to me!

I don't know how to write this, as everything that I say would be easily contradicted as "Satan's" words, or venomous language. And there is nothing I can think of to stop you from saying that, which before I even say anything, places me in a bad position. In other words, if I don't say what you want to hear (that I love God, and realize my mistakes in life, and so on and so forth) then it's written off as Satan's work, or the evil that has invaded my life.

So, with that, I want you to try your best to understand how you would feel if you were in this position. I mean, if I insisted that everything you said was the work of evil, and that unless you said what I wanted to hear, I would just ignore what you're truly saying, and blind myself to your opinions, just because they clash with mine.

That's where I stand about what I've said, and I haven't even said it yet. Quite a predicament, no?

But I'll try anyways...

I love my family as much as anybody else, I love you too Angela, I don't mean sarcasm in what I say towards you, just me being silly. I don't write like that and think to myself that you would be unable to pick up on some kind of sarcasm I've said; I don't write you off as unintelligent.

I've come to realize a few things through my "hardships", that have changed my outlook on things, things like life, God, people, and feelings of mine and others.

When I was homeless and sleeping on a park bench for about 15 minutes at a time in the middle of winter with nothing but sandles to wear, I could have called and pleaded with friends and family for a place to stay, and I would have been "fine". But at that time, I made a choice. I decided that I got myself into this situation, and that I'm the one that needs to get me out of it. I've never regreted that descision since.

I've come a LONG way from that point in my life, in a relatively short amount of time. I got myself on HUD, got food stamps; later got a job as a gas attendant, and then got myself a place to live and a wonderful person to share my life with.

It all happened so quickly it seems, looking back on it all. But I do remember being in that situation and thinking it would never end. One thing that I do clearly remember though, is that at NO time did I ask ANYONE for help, God included. I made it crystal clear in my mind that it was my problem and I need to get myself out of it. Now with this, I realize the press-release answer to that here; that God didn't need me to ask for help, He knew and He loves me, thus you can see where I can't "win" here.

Since that time, and with a lot of other hardships past me, I've made some important choices in my life that affected my view of the world and how I'm going to live in it.

I've decided that religion holds no water under ANY pressures, and that belief in ANYTHING supersticial is just plain silly, and it's sad to see friends and family destroying others lives in order to push their thoughts on, to make them feel better about themselves, that they've done something to help, when they've only hurt.

Using scare tactics to control people is sad, especially when you only say these things to people because you're afraid yourself of something that you were told would happen if you didn't do exactly as what was being taught.

I don't see anything wrong with being afraid of death, or wanting something better for society; a hope of something so great, it puts meaning in you're life.

What is wrong though, is when you take what you say and use it as a scare tactic to control others; to scare them into believing that if they don't do EXACTLY as you or your book says that they will suffer for all eternity. Your ideals concern me, because they're so non-sensical, and they hurt so many lives.

The reason I do the things I do is because I've realized how precious life is. I don't want to die before I'm ready, nor do many other people. I love life, and I love what it means. I realize that at any time I could pass away, and that if there is no after-life, then I leave with NOTHING, including caring about the fact that I'm dead. That makes me sad. On the other hand, the only hope I have is to leave some kind of legacy, one for others to view and form their own opinions about. If my life affected someone in a way that changed them, then they can pass that down to someone else, and so on and so forth. That seems to be all I can hope for.

That, and happiness....

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy this fleeting life I have. I can't do that by living ideals of someone else. I can't bring myself to blindly follow someones orders because they sound nice to me and offer me hope. I have to enjoy my life as I see fit, in order to truly enjoy it.

I love being happy, and I can't be happy by hurting others simply because I wouldn't want them to hurt me in the same way. There's a saying; "put yourself in their shoes" which is pretty much what I live by.

I wouldn't want someone hurting me and being mean to me, so why would I do that to someone else? To me, it just doesn't make sense.

I've decided also that I make my life, and that I make the choices that affect it. So with that, how can I be sad with my life? I made it and I can change it. I'm not "stuck" in my life, I've created this life, and thusly, I LOVE it!!!

I love being poor, because it provides a sense of responsibility, and realization of what it's worth. What I do have, I have earned and I treasure. The same philosophy holds true for my outlook on life. What I've given myself, what I have, I treasure and I love. I love my life and I have no regrets, and if something awful did happen to me, I at least wouldn't regret what I've left behind. I wouldn't regret the life I've lived. Can most people say the same?

My mind isn't on track enough to write this as thoroughly as I would have liked to. I also know that in some peoples views, that all of this is just the work of the devil and that I just need to come to love the Lord and to be saved.

I don't know how to help you there, but I just hope that you use some common sense and think for yourselves for once, and realize that I'm as human as you are. I'm not the product of evil; I'm still your brother, and I love you too. I love all of my family and in no way am I trying to change your opinions, I'm just hoping that you treat me like a person and not a disease that you must rid of; that to me doesn't sound like love.

All I ask is that you let me have my own opininons, as I do for you, and that you love me as a person, as your brother. -Kamui-sama

Monday, October 02, 2006

***October 2, 2006: Free shipping for advance orders begins. The X-Meridian ship date is early October, making this an extremely limited-time offer. Order the X-Meridian 7.1, the ultimate soundcard for audiophiles in advance of official product release and pay no shipping! Free shipping applies to Continental US, Canada and Europe orders from the website only.***

-It's FINALLY coming!!! YAY!!! YIPPIE-SKIPPY!!! HORRAY!!! :p :p :p

-I think I just blew my anus out!!!! :) :) :)