Monday, December 18, 2006

So stinkin' troublesome!!! :p

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Sunday, October 29, 2006


Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sounds like Xa's post :p

Listening to Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails song "Hurt" gave me the chills.

Haven't had that happen in a while :p

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Just Try To Understand, Please!

The whole point of my spewings was to just make sure that you viewed me as a person, not as Satan's henchman. You seem to understand that and you seem like a relatively intelligent person yourself.

So with that I ask you that you use your intelligence to try to understand this:

I know why you "found" God and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. I don't know you that well Angie, I never got to know you really well, and that is something that I do regret. I care about ALL my family, and I've made some grave mistakes in my past, but I can't change that and I can only be the best person I can be now.

You must be able to realize that I know you care about me and that I care about you, and that I'm not insulting you with my posts to make myself feel better. I realize that I make plenty of mistakes all the time, and that I'm always learning. I know for a fact you're not stupid or ignorant, you've taught me a lot in the past, that you probably don't even know you did.

Now, the reason I say I know why you found God is that I know what kind of a person you used to be. It may have not been the person you felt inside your self, but it was the person you projected to other people, the people who didn't know you to see how wonderful you were. Surely you had friends in your life, surely you had plenty of happiness. And I know for a fact that you had a LOT of happiness that I could never know about.

What I do know however, is that Angie that I remember so vividly. The Angie that laid on the couch most of the day, watching TV and reading TVGuide. The Angie that cried a lot. The Angie that seemed sad and lonely to me, her brother. The Angie that tried to change that many times over by working out, eating better, doing things that made her happy. With what limited time I had with you, it never seemed to work out for you and inside me that made me sad for you. I always cared about you and it made me worry to see you so miserable all the time I knew you.

Then it all changed.

I suppose it was five years ago, like you said, that you changed who you were for the much much greater. You've been a completely different person from the one I knew. AND THAT'S GREAT!!! You seem SO much happier. You deserve happiness and I'm glad that you've found it in the right place.

That place being church and God.

I view your finding of God as a group, like the girl scouts, or after-school program. The difference being, your group has much nicer people than most. You've found a group of accepting friends; people who accept you for who you are. People who treat you as you deserve to be treated. You've found happiness, friends, safe fun, and hope. Hope of something greater. Hope of a better future for you, me, and everyone else. You found friends who genuinely care about your feelings, and who won't be so apt to get you in trouble; good people.

I'm ecstatic for you. You'll probably never know how much so.

It just upsets me when you suggest I'm being manipulated by the devil, that I'm not even my own person, just a puppet. I don't appreciate that. I haven't found God because I've used common sense, and I've accepted in my heart, the harsh reality that I WILL die! I've accepted that there is nothing to look forward to in death. But that doesn't stop me from hoping; hoping for something greater, and there is nothing wrong with hoping for a better life. But I don't use my hope as a weapon against the ones I say I love. I instead try my best to embrace what I do have with my family and cherish what I do have, instead of dwelling on what I don't.

I love life and I love my family, and I do my best to show it. You're one of the greatest people I've been fortunate enough to know, even though my time with you seems so short. I hope for better experiences with you. I miss you.

You deserve to be happy, and you deseve to meet someone special who shares your views. Please, don't ever "settle". You deserve greatness and there is nothing stopping you from acheiving it but you. And so far you seem indestructible in this path!

Keep it up, and know that I'll ALWAYS love you. I respect you the best I can, and I realize I'm not extremely intelligent, but I do know what I feel is true. And I feel you're a great person and you will be happy if you want to be.

I'm sorry but it's late and I'm tired. I'm going to turn in. Thanks for taking the time to read this, that alone shows me how wonderful a person you've become! -Kamui-sama (Brian J. Lucas)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I appologize for this LONG post, but it's important to me!

I don't know how to write this, as everything that I say would be easily contradicted as "Satan's" words, or venomous language. And there is nothing I can think of to stop you from saying that, which before I even say anything, places me in a bad position. In other words, if I don't say what you want to hear (that I love God, and realize my mistakes in life, and so on and so forth) then it's written off as Satan's work, or the evil that has invaded my life.

So, with that, I want you to try your best to understand how you would feel if you were in this position. I mean, if I insisted that everything you said was the work of evil, and that unless you said what I wanted to hear, I would just ignore what you're truly saying, and blind myself to your opinions, just because they clash with mine.

That's where I stand about what I've said, and I haven't even said it yet. Quite a predicament, no?

But I'll try anyways...

I love my family as much as anybody else, I love you too Angela, I don't mean sarcasm in what I say towards you, just me being silly. I don't write like that and think to myself that you would be unable to pick up on some kind of sarcasm I've said; I don't write you off as unintelligent.

I've come to realize a few things through my "hardships", that have changed my outlook on things, things like life, God, people, and feelings of mine and others.

When I was homeless and sleeping on a park bench for about 15 minutes at a time in the middle of winter with nothing but sandles to wear, I could have called and pleaded with friends and family for a place to stay, and I would have been "fine". But at that time, I made a choice. I decided that I got myself into this situation, and that I'm the one that needs to get me out of it. I've never regreted that descision since.

I've come a LONG way from that point in my life, in a relatively short amount of time. I got myself on HUD, got food stamps; later got a job as a gas attendant, and then got myself a place to live and a wonderful person to share my life with.

It all happened so quickly it seems, looking back on it all. But I do remember being in that situation and thinking it would never end. One thing that I do clearly remember though, is that at NO time did I ask ANYONE for help, God included. I made it crystal clear in my mind that it was my problem and I need to get myself out of it. Now with this, I realize the press-release answer to that here; that God didn't need me to ask for help, He knew and He loves me, thus you can see where I can't "win" here.

Since that time, and with a lot of other hardships past me, I've made some important choices in my life that affected my view of the world and how I'm going to live in it.

I've decided that religion holds no water under ANY pressures, and that belief in ANYTHING supersticial is just plain silly, and it's sad to see friends and family destroying others lives in order to push their thoughts on, to make them feel better about themselves, that they've done something to help, when they've only hurt.

Using scare tactics to control people is sad, especially when you only say these things to people because you're afraid yourself of something that you were told would happen if you didn't do exactly as what was being taught.

I don't see anything wrong with being afraid of death, or wanting something better for society; a hope of something so great, it puts meaning in you're life.

What is wrong though, is when you take what you say and use it as a scare tactic to control others; to scare them into believing that if they don't do EXACTLY as you or your book says that they will suffer for all eternity. Your ideals concern me, because they're so non-sensical, and they hurt so many lives.

The reason I do the things I do is because I've realized how precious life is. I don't want to die before I'm ready, nor do many other people. I love life, and I love what it means. I realize that at any time I could pass away, and that if there is no after-life, then I leave with NOTHING, including caring about the fact that I'm dead. That makes me sad. On the other hand, the only hope I have is to leave some kind of legacy, one for others to view and form their own opinions about. If my life affected someone in a way that changed them, then they can pass that down to someone else, and so on and so forth. That seems to be all I can hope for.

That, and happiness....

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy this fleeting life I have. I can't do that by living ideals of someone else. I can't bring myself to blindly follow someones orders because they sound nice to me and offer me hope. I have to enjoy my life as I see fit, in order to truly enjoy it.

I love being happy, and I can't be happy by hurting others simply because I wouldn't want them to hurt me in the same way. There's a saying; "put yourself in their shoes" which is pretty much what I live by.

I wouldn't want someone hurting me and being mean to me, so why would I do that to someone else? To me, it just doesn't make sense.

I've decided also that I make my life, and that I make the choices that affect it. So with that, how can I be sad with my life? I made it and I can change it. I'm not "stuck" in my life, I've created this life, and thusly, I LOVE it!!!

I love being poor, because it provides a sense of responsibility, and realization of what it's worth. What I do have, I have earned and I treasure. The same philosophy holds true for my outlook on life. What I've given myself, what I have, I treasure and I love. I love my life and I have no regrets, and if something awful did happen to me, I at least wouldn't regret what I've left behind. I wouldn't regret the life I've lived. Can most people say the same?

My mind isn't on track enough to write this as thoroughly as I would have liked to. I also know that in some peoples views, that all of this is just the work of the devil and that I just need to come to love the Lord and to be saved.

I don't know how to help you there, but I just hope that you use some common sense and think for yourselves for once, and realize that I'm as human as you are. I'm not the product of evil; I'm still your brother, and I love you too. I love all of my family and in no way am I trying to change your opinions, I'm just hoping that you treat me like a person and not a disease that you must rid of; that to me doesn't sound like love.

All I ask is that you let me have my own opininons, as I do for you, and that you love me as a person, as your brother. -Kamui-sama

Monday, October 02, 2006

***October 2, 2006: Free shipping for advance orders begins. The X-Meridian ship date is early October, making this an extremely limited-time offer. Order the X-Meridian 7.1, the ultimate soundcard for audiophiles in advance of official product release and pay no shipping! Free shipping applies to Continental US, Canada and Europe orders from the website only.***

-It's FINALLY coming!!! YAY!!! YIPPIE-SKIPPY!!! HORRAY!!! :p :p :p

-I think I just blew my anus out!!!! :) :) :)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

November is going to make me VERY poor! :p

Well, it seems that November now has Naya's birthday, as well as the launch of the Playstation 3 on Nov. 17 and the Nintendo Wii Nov. 19!

I'm much more excited about the Wii, as it looks to be the most fun, but I will be putting both on pre-order, if possible, ASAP!!!

Imma be a very poor man! LOL

On top of that, I still want to get my home theater speakers, that I've wanted for a long time now, ah well though. Someday! :p

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


I put money in the bank this afternoon and went home and placed my order for the X-Meridian! Damn it, I can't wait!!! Yippie! :p

Friday, September 15, 2006

Greatest News in the Whole Fucking Brian World!!!

Upgrade to X-Meridian audiophile grade sound card from the Gods at Auzentech!!!

I fucking LOVE these damn sound cards!!! I will be shipping out my old X-Mystique or X-Plosion and getting $50 towards the X-Meridian!!


Sunday, September 03, 2006

I feel different. I wake, I fiddle around, I pump gas for 9 hours, I sleep, rise, rinse and repeat. The break in this cycle is the financial issues in between.

I love it.

This is all there is.

This is true life!

Why would you ask for more than you give yourself? I love working a low paying shit job; earning a "living" in this "real world". I love the pain I endure every day. I don't want to tell my children what they should be. I want to show them what they can be...


In all the greatest raptures of that word that can be extracted. I'm not trying to sound crazy or poetic. I'm trying to catch my thoughts as they fly out. I spent 15 minutes at work bored out of my mind trying to catch this annoying fly buzzing around, with two pens I held as chopsticks. I lost of course.

I'm very tired, and so very awake. Awake with a feeling of fullness. I can say to my children, "Think for yourselves. A piece of paper only tells others how smart you should be. Be as you want to be, and you will know more in a single moment than any other in a lifetime." Regret should not touch your hearts, when you live every moment as you want.

I will NOT hang a piece of paper on my wall in a plaque and tell my children that if they want my love and happiness in general, then they too will need this paper. A diploma in anything is a weapon; an instrument of fear, that I will not use against the ones I hold dear.

Your worthlessness precedes you. I hate you! You destroy all you touch, with "your" ideals of a life that is just one of fear. I will NOT let you taint the ones I love. Keep your fucking diplomas and money and cars... Keep your stupid fucking God. Keep your hope of something better.

This is the best you could EVER hope for!

You live your pathetic lives of ideals and hopes.

Meanwhile, I'll live MY life, as I choose!

Please, die painfully. I hate what you have done to this world. What you've destroyed. What you've stolen from our children. -Kamui-sama

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Truth and Pain I Bear Every Day

It's difficult for me having to live in the shadow of someone else. To always be compared and contrasted to someone I don't even know for every action I take. The desire for something you don't have is too great to bear. You can't appreciate what you have, when you're overcome by the wanting of something you don't. Meanwhile I'm left in the torrent all alone. I've noticed an incredible trend in the way people talk and the way they write on their blogs; always afraid to mention specifics, when everyone knows what's being talked about anyways. It's worth mentioning that to me because it actually has me almost afraid to name names. But I realize how retarded that is since the people this concerns are the people who know exactly what I'm talking about. As for the people it doesn't concern, why should I care if you know who I'm talking about. So for absolute clarification in what I'm trying to say, and to make my life a lot easier: I'm talking about how I, Brian Lucas have to live in the shadow of Scott (unknown last name to me) for Linnea's affection. I'm what she has. I'm what Naya can't appreciate because she has no room for comparison to someone else. She wants desperately to experience the world, to find her fairy-tale ending. She wants the journey, she wants the pain, the hardships, the overall experiences, and the ending that compiles her efforts into a euphoric sense of achievment. And I'm the destroyer. I tell her how wonderful she is, and I try the best I can to show her how special she is to so many. But in the end, she sees me as a blockade. She of course would never say that because she DOES care about me GREATLY (I'm not completely stupid). But I can see it in her eyes, and I can hear her heart screaming for it every second of every day. Naya and Scott have a bond that I NEVER had any intention on breaking, hell, I even encouraged it. I tried my best to let Naya be happy, even if it meant losing her to Scott. But in the end, it just backfired on me. The idea for me was; I wanted Linnea to just be happy. I love her greatly, more than she'll ever realize it seems. I say it backfired because I'm still with her. She doesn't appreciate me, her heart is screaming in the pain and I feel for her. I messed up my chances of having her heart by stopping her from seeing Scott. If I would have let her see him, she would have appreciated me more, and at least then, I would have stood a better chance of her affections. But, I did everything in my power to stop her from meeting him in some random location (to stay in a hotel for the week no less) to prevent her from getting hurt; or worse, killed. She seems unable to forgive me for this as she thinks I just wanted to have her to myself. All I wanted was her happiness, but not at the expense of her life. I would have given up Linnea to Scott, and I will still let her go to someone else, if it means she'll just be happy. I love her more than I could ever possibly describe. But I will NOT let her get hurt or die for it. She views me as a restriction to her happiness, and if it means saving her life, than I can live with that. I fear I will always be alone, always misunderstood. But I don't care... I would GLADLY give my life, if it absolutely ensured her ease of life; her happiness. That's not to be misconstrued as me not caring about myself because I love life, and I love living, but I mean nothing in my heart compared to her happiness. I feel I can never express what I'm thinking clearly and that it will cost me everything I hold dear. This is what makes it difficult to sleep; to live. I just wish I could make Linnea understand me better, but that's no easy feat, when you're just a shadow of someone so great, someone who's been there for her for a long time. I can never make myself able to have been there for you for a long time, but I will give everything I care for to just make you love; to just make you happy. This, I fear is the only legacy I can leave her. I want desperately to be cared for and loved, but I would never let my feelings stand in the way of her happiness. I just wish you knew Linnea. I love you dearly. -Brian Lucas

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Someone PLEASE help me with this thought!

Okay, this is a lil' random, and I would REALLY appreciate any input offered; please let me know if I'm wrong here, cause I feel really stupid, being unsure if I'm right or not... I've been trying to develop this thought on perception, and maybe more. To put it in the most basic form, please think about this, and tell me what you think, cause I think there's something obvious I'm missing. Here's the thought: If 10 "normal" people (or any amount of people) look at a picture of a basic color with no trick involved; all 10 would for instance say that the color is blue (or red, or green, or whatever). My thought is, if I was able to take my mind, and change bodies with another "normal" person; would I still see the color as being blue? Would I look at that picture with their "color palette" and see another color than what they saw? The reason I say that this would be possible is that we are all taught what the color "blue" is. Imagine it from the beginning; these 10 "normal" people are all shown the same exact piece of paper at the same exact time, and all 10 people are told to associate the label "blue", with what they see on this piece of paper! So, if I saw through your "color palette", I might look at that paper and say it's "red". Then we would just think that each other is bat-shit insane. Now, while that is all well and dandy; think about that with more than just colors. If I viewed the world through your eyes, with my thoughts, what would I see? Maybe for instance, your "up" is my "down", or your idea of a "person", is the same as my idea of a "postage stamp". Now, granted... that is indeed "bat-shit insane", but to what extent... I think I'm right about this, and while it just seems anecdotal
in this context; think about it in an expanded sense; take it further. The "world" may not be what you think!!! -Kamui-sama

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Nate the Great!

Today was an awesome day for me, as Nate came up to visit Naya for the day. They went on a walk together, than with nothing better to do in this god-forsaken town, spent the rest of the night hanging out in the house with me. Nate is just so cool. I hope I wasn't a pest in the way of his and Naya's day together, but it was cool to hang out with someone else and to just be silly. The best part though was how happy it made Naya to have Nate visit her, it's nice to see her happy! Anyways, I'm tired. So night night.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

"My Life is SOO Totally Sadderer Than Yours!!!"

If I wielded my Edgar Allan Poe Thesaurus more often, would I be more attractive?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

People Suck! :P

God damn, people are fucking douche-bag cum-guzzlin' dick lickers! You dumb-fucks think you're SO damn smart; preaching "your" thoughts and religions to others, when you yourself don't have a thought of your own to speak of. You think it's okay, but when you destroy someone who you say you care about with your words, you thus become the most worthless fucks in the world. You deserve so much more than death. I hate what you ass-holes have done to this world and to its inhabitants. If you're wondering who I'm talking about, don't worry, it's not hard... it's YOU! All of you dip-shits just don't fucking get it. Spirits, souls, God, heaven, after-lives, reincarnation, ghosts, and so on... You think you're giving hope of something more to life to others and that you're helping them cope with death and dying. No, you're stipping them of their freedom... How could you blame anyone though? It's certainly not bad to want something more, to want to live. But when you weild your hope as a sword and take others lives with you without even thinking about what you believe; you've commited murder. I hate you. I hope you die painfully. Kisses and hugs -Kamui

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Today's happiness...

Today, I practice my kana... I found something I truly enjoy; that I've always enjoyed, the art of Nihongo. What a beautiful language it is. So fun. So simplistic and sensical. It makes me realize how truly violently retarded the 'Merican language is.

The search for one's self must have a start (Or so I hear!)

A rekindled flame? No. A lost soul searching for a place to fit in? Nah. What do I really want? Not too sure. I'm lost, desperate, and sad. I have the constant comfort of others; yet I feel so alienated from them. Who could understand such an incoherent mess of a being? I hope for the constant betterment of self, but I'm so lost in my thoughts of nothingness that I cannot focus to even type this stupid blog, let alone find what I'm looking for. I've decided a few things in my life that I believe worth mentioning. I decided that I HATE the American language and English in general. It is the most worthless, useless fuck of a language there is! I mean DAMN! I can't even find the words in this stupid language to describe my bitter hatred for it! That blurb had to do with my thoughts on life actually... I hate to see my dearest friends and family wasting theirs on goals and aspirations of others. They are so sad to see and talk to, because you can see how blinded they are by what they were taught, not what they know. Of course you can't tell them that because they'll give their pre-conditioned response of "I live my OWN life. Don't you DARE tell me I'm unhappy! That makes you a hypocrite! YOU'RE the one that's confused, not me!". And so it goes... I want to save them, but I know it's hopeless and I certainly don't want to strip what happiness they think they've found by living another's life. It still brings me sadness though, to be so damn alone. If you're wondering; no I'm not talking about "saving" them, in the biblical sense. I fucking DETEST that worthless shit hack-job writing. Not because of the author's intentions of controlling and civilizing a ravaged country or world, but for how it was taken too damn far. Psychotics and madmen need control of people to feel power, so they further instill a long-winded scare tactic to control the masses, while murdering anyone who stands against them, informing them they are doing bad; or just anyone who doesn't have the same skin color as them. FUCKING ASSHOLES! I fucking hate people who are so fucking blinded and stupid they can't see that the bible is just a shitty book, written in an out-dated language. But I digress. No, what I mean when I say "save" them, is that I just want to somehow show them how stupid they are; so caught up in the everyday, or the "after-life" that shit book promises that they don't realize how TRULY precious life is. It depresses me deeply. I'm haunted by the fear of dying because I realize that once it's over, that's fucking IT... Of course when I'm dead I won't give a fuck, I won't give a anything, I'll just be dead, to others, not to myself. I don't want to die though, I love life more than most people ever will. It's funny; I was at work talking with my boss on the "touchy" subject of religion, and when I mentioned that I didn't really believe in anything, he said "Don't say that, only a fool doesn't believe in anything. Besides, you're too decent a person to not believe in anything." so I just nodded and let the conversation end there. It made me sad to know that people are THAT fucking stupid. Only god-fearing christian douche-bags are allowed happiness and decency towards others? What the fuck!? I am nice to others, because I love life more than you'll ever know, you dip-shit! I love life because I TRULY realize that this is IT... no more, for me or anyone else, so why not just be happy, and make others happy? Fucking idiots! Well, that's what I determined anyways. When I really came to realize that this is all there is for me, I tried my best to dertermine what it is I want out of this fleeting life I have, and what is it I don't want. That's where it all started anyways. Basically, I determined that I would start from the end and work out the details, backwards, from there. So, I figured that since I can't take anything with me and I won't have anything left on this earth except other people's memories of me... I'd want them to think kindly of me, and see in me who I was; a real person, a person so not lost or blinded... a happy person. So from that, I decided my ultimate goal in life is to just be happy and make others happy, because to me, that's all that matters. Then from there it was simple... just determine what I need to do NOW that will grant me my happiness of self and others. So, here I stand... hoping to get somebody to see the idiocy they live, and to hopefully stop it, so they can be happy and pass it on, so that ultimately, my lineage can live in a happy, non-confused world. That's the greatest dream I can fathom of a future, but I feel so alone in this, that it may forever be just a fading dream. I just hope to save you sadness, I could never express my real feelings of love for others through the pathetic linkage of 'Merican words, but if you realize in your heart what I mean, you don't need me to tell you anything at all. Good luck.... You'll need it!