Wednesday, August 30, 2006
It's difficult for me having to live in the shadow of someone else. To always be compared and contrasted to someone I don't even know for every action I take. The desire for something you don't have is too great to bear. You can't appreciate what you have, when you're overcome by the wanting of something you don't. Meanwhile I'm left in the torrent all alone. I've noticed an incredible trend in the way people talk and the way they write on their blogs; always afraid to mention specifics, when everyone knows what's being talked about anyways. It's worth mentioning that to me because it actually has me almost afraid to name names. But I realize how retarded that is since the people this concerns are the people who know exactly what I'm talking about. As for the people it doesn't concern, why should I care if you know who I'm talking about. So for absolute clarification in what I'm trying to say, and to make my life a lot easier: I'm talking about how I, Brian Lucas have to live in the shadow of Scott (unknown last name to me) for Linnea's affection. I'm what she has. I'm what Naya can't appreciate because she has no room for comparison to someone else. She wants desperately to experience the world, to find her fairy-tale ending. She wants the journey, she wants the pain, the hardships, the overall experiences, and the ending that compiles her efforts into a euphoric sense of achievment. And I'm the destroyer. I tell her how wonderful she is, and I try the best I can to show her how special she is to so many. But in the end, she sees me as a blockade. She of course would never say that because she DOES care about me GREATLY (I'm not completely stupid). But I can see it in her eyes, and I can hear her heart screaming for it every second of every day. Naya and Scott have a bond that I NEVER had any intention on breaking, hell, I even encouraged it. I tried my best to let Naya be happy, even if it meant losing her to Scott. But in the end, it just backfired on me. The idea for me was; I wanted Linnea to just be happy. I love her greatly, more than she'll ever realize it seems. I say it backfired because I'm still with her. She doesn't appreciate me, her heart is screaming in the pain and I feel for her. I messed up my chances of having her heart by stopping her from seeing Scott. If I would have let her see him, she would have appreciated me more, and at least then, I would have stood a better chance of her affections. But, I did everything in my power to stop her from meeting him in some random location (to stay in a hotel for the week no less) to prevent her from getting hurt; or worse, killed. She seems unable to forgive me for this as she thinks I just wanted to have her to myself. All I wanted was her happiness, but not at the expense of her life. I would have given up Linnea to Scott, and I will still let her go to someone else, if it means she'll just be happy. I love her more than I could ever possibly describe. But I will NOT let her get hurt or die for it. She views me as a restriction to her happiness, and if it means saving her life, than I can live with that. I fear I will always be alone, always misunderstood. But I don't care... I would GLADLY give my life, if it absolutely ensured her ease of life; her happiness. That's not to be misconstrued as me not caring about myself because I love life, and I love living, but I mean nothing in my heart compared to her happiness. I feel I can never express what I'm thinking clearly and that it will cost me everything I hold dear. This is what makes it difficult to sleep; to live. I just wish I could make Linnea understand me better, but that's no easy feat, when you're just a shadow of someone so great, someone who's been there for her for a long time. I can never make myself able to have been there for you for a long time, but I will give everything I care for to just make you love; to just make you happy. This, I fear is the only legacy I can leave her. I want desperately to be cared for and loved, but I would never let my feelings stand in the way of her happiness. I just wish you knew Linnea. I love you dearly. -Brian Lucas
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Okay, this is a lil' random, and I would REALLY appreciate any input offered; please let me know if I'm wrong here, cause I feel really stupid, being unsure if I'm right or not... I've been trying to develop this thought on perception, and maybe more. To put it in the most basic form, please think about this, and tell me what you think, cause I think there's something obvious I'm missing. Here's the thought: If 10 "normal" people (or any amount of people) look at a picture of a basic color with no trick involved; all 10 would for instance say that the color is blue (or red, or green, or whatever). My thought is, if I was able to take my mind, and change bodies with another "normal" person; would I still see the color as being blue? Would I look at that picture with their "color palette" and see another color than what they saw? The reason I say that this would be possible is that we are all taught what the color "blue" is. Imagine it from the beginning; these 10 "normal" people are all shown the same exact piece of paper at the same exact time, and all 10 people are told to associate the label "blue", with what they see on this piece of paper! So, if I saw through your "color palette", I might look at that paper and say it's "red". Then we would just think that each other is bat-shit insane. Now, while that is all well and dandy; think about that with more than just colors. If I viewed the world through your eyes, with my thoughts, what would I see? Maybe for instance, your "up" is my "down", or your idea of a "person", is the same as my idea of a "postage stamp". Now, granted... that is indeed "bat-shit insane", but to what extent... I think I'm right about this, and while it just seems anecdotal
in this context; think about it in an expanded sense; take it further. The "world" may not be what you think!!! -Kamui-sama
in this context; think about it in an expanded sense; take it further. The "world" may not be what you think!!! -Kamui-sama
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Today was an awesome day for me, as Nate came up to visit Naya for the day. They went on a walk together, than with nothing better to do in this god-forsaken town, spent the rest of the night hanging out in the house with me. Nate is just so cool. I hope I wasn't a pest in the way of his and Naya's day together, but it was cool to hang out with someone else and to just be silly. The best part though was how happy it made Naya to have Nate visit her, it's nice to see her happy! Anyways, I'm tired. So night night.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
God damn, people are fucking douche-bag cum-guzzlin' dick lickers! You dumb-fucks think you're SO damn smart; preaching "your" thoughts and religions to others, when you yourself don't have a thought of your own to speak of. You think it's okay, but when you destroy someone who you say you care about with your words, you thus become the most worthless fucks in the world. You deserve so much more than death. I hate what you ass-holes have done to this world and to its inhabitants. If you're wondering who I'm talking about, don't worry, it's not hard... it's YOU! All of you dip-shits just don't fucking get it. Spirits, souls, God, heaven, after-lives, reincarnation, ghosts, and so on... You think you're giving hope of something more to life to others and that you're helping them cope with death and dying. No, you're stipping them of their freedom... How could you blame anyone though? It's certainly not bad to want something more, to want to live. But when you weild your hope as a sword and take others lives with you without even thinking about what you believe; you've commited murder. I hate you. I hope you die painfully. Kisses and hugs -Kamui
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Today, I practice my kana... I found something I truly enjoy; that I've always enjoyed, the art of Nihongo. What a beautiful language it is. So fun. So simplistic and sensical. It makes me realize how truly violently retarded the 'Merican language is.
A rekindled flame? No. A lost soul searching for a place to fit in? Nah. What do I really want? Not too sure. I'm lost, desperate, and sad. I have the constant comfort of others; yet I feel so alienated from them. Who could understand such an incoherent mess of a being? I hope for the constant betterment of self, but I'm so lost in my thoughts of nothingness that I cannot focus to even type this stupid blog, let alone find what I'm looking for. I've decided a few things in my life that I believe worth mentioning. I decided that I HATE the American language and English in general. It is the most worthless, useless fuck of a language there is! I mean DAMN! I can't even find the words in this stupid language to describe my bitter hatred for it! That blurb had to do with my thoughts on life actually... I hate to see my dearest friends and family wasting theirs on goals and aspirations of others. They are so sad to see and talk to, because you can see how blinded they are by what they were taught, not what they know. Of course you can't tell them that because they'll give their pre-conditioned response of "I live my OWN life. Don't you DARE tell me I'm unhappy! That makes you a hypocrite! YOU'RE the one that's confused, not me!". And so it goes... I want to save them, but I know it's hopeless and I certainly don't want to strip what happiness they think they've found by living another's life. It still brings me sadness though, to be so damn alone. If you're wondering; no I'm not talking about "saving" them, in the biblical sense. I fucking DETEST that worthless shit hack-job writing. Not because of the author's intentions of controlling and civilizing a ravaged country or world, but for how it was taken too damn far. Psychotics and madmen need control of people to feel power, so they further instill a long-winded scare tactic to control the masses, while murdering anyone who stands against them, informing them they are doing bad; or just anyone who doesn't have the same skin color as them. FUCKING ASSHOLES! I fucking hate people who are so fucking blinded and stupid they can't see that the bible is just a shitty book, written in an out-dated language. But I digress. No, what I mean when I say "save" them, is that I just want to somehow show them how stupid they are; so caught up in the everyday, or the "after-life" that shit book promises that they don't realize how TRULY precious life is. It depresses me deeply. I'm haunted by the fear of dying because I realize that once it's over, that's fucking IT... Of course when I'm dead I won't give a fuck, I won't give a anything, I'll just be dead, to others, not to myself. I don't want to die though, I love life more than most people ever will. It's funny; I was at work talking with my boss on the "touchy" subject of religion, and when I mentioned that I didn't really believe in anything, he said "Don't say that, only a fool doesn't believe in anything. Besides, you're too decent a person to not believe in anything." so I just nodded and let the conversation end there. It made me sad to know that people are THAT fucking stupid. Only god-fearing christian douche-bags are allowed happiness and decency towards others? What the fuck!? I am nice to others, because I love life more than you'll ever know, you dip-shit! I love life because I TRULY realize that this is IT... no more, for me or anyone else, so why not just be happy, and make others happy? Fucking idiots! Well, that's what I determined anyways. When I really came to realize that this is all there is for me, I tried my best to dertermine what it is I want out of this fleeting life I have, and what is it I don't want. That's where it all started anyways. Basically, I determined that I would start from the end and work out the details, backwards, from there. So, I figured that since I can't take anything with me and I won't have anything left on this earth except other people's memories of me... I'd want them to think kindly of me, and see in me who I was; a real person, a person so not lost or blinded... a happy person. So from that, I decided my ultimate goal in life is to just be happy and make others happy, because to me, that's all that matters. Then from there it was simple... just determine what I need to do NOW that will grant me my happiness of self and others. So, here I stand... hoping to get somebody to see the idiocy they live, and to hopefully stop it, so they can be happy and pass it on, so that ultimately, my lineage can live in a happy, non-confused world. That's the greatest dream I can fathom of a future, but I feel so alone in this, that it may forever be just a fading dream. I just hope to save you sadness, I could never express my real feelings of love for others through the pathetic linkage of 'Merican words, but if you realize in your heart what I mean, you don't need me to tell you anything at all. Good luck.... You'll need it!