Thursday, October 30, 2008

Well, I guess this is about it folks. Here I go!

I'm very excited about this. I'm also kinda scared and very nervous. I just want things to go well for me for once in my life.

I'll be going to work at around 4:00PM today and then after work, I'll be going straight to Kim's house to sleep for a couple hours, then we'll be leaving at 4:00AM Friday morning. She's going to drive me to the Buffalo airport where I'll have to wait until about 10:30ish when my plane departs. I'll be going straight to Atlanta, Georgia where I'll meet Evienne. I'm so nervous about meeting her. I really hope she likes me. I hope we can be happy together.

After that, she'll be driving me to the apartment where I'll be living and we'll go from there I guess.

I simply can't get over how surreal this all feels to me. It just has to be some kind of dream, how did I do this? How did I get to this point of complete freedom? I feel so empowered and confident in myself. I amaze me!

I can now tell my children to follow their dreams, and my life will stand testament that it can be done and that there is no reason you should have to settle for what you've been given. I'm so proud of myself and what I'm doing.

Thank you to everyone who's ever helped me in any way. To everyone who's been there for me when I needed help, or supported me when I felt defeated in life; Thank You!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Keeping the Rhymes Flowin'

I have an apartment now. It's not much but it's not ghetto, so I don't need more than that right now. Beggars / Choosers (you know) :P

I paid an application fee and a security deposit and I'll just have to pay the rent when I get there. $500 a month with all utilities included in that area is really great! I'll be leaving here Friday morning at about 6:00 AM, my plane departs at 10:35 AM and arrives in Atlanta, Georgia at 12:36 PM. I'm so unbelievable excited! I finally have a life. I finally have a future and something to look forward to!

I contacted Charter cable and they said they'd be by Saturday to connect the internet and phone there, so hopefully I won't be disconnected from communicating for too long. I have plans to start looking for a job on Saturday morning, then buying a few things I'll need for the apartment and maybe some food, then I'll wait around for the Charter people to get me set up. Monday is when I plan to start job hunting really hard.

I can't believe all this is really happening; it's incredible! What's even more surprising to me is the way everyone is happy for me and says I'm making the right choice by moving, and that they wish they could do it too! I never expected that! I expected "You're crazy, you're stupid, what the hell are you thinking, you can't just leave what you have here, etc.".

I suppose I'm not completely in the clear yet. I still need a little more money and I don't have a ride to Buffalo all planned out yet. Kim wants to take me but doesn't know if she can get off work, Lisa has to work so she can't, and if I want Sterling to take me I need to let him know REALLY soon-like. I just don't want to tell him to take off work if Kim's able to drive me. Hopefully I'll know something definitive by tomorrow.

I'm so damn close to living my dream life, I can't let something that simple stop me now. I can do this and I will. I will try my best to keep everyone updated on what I'm doing, if and when I get a job, and how everything is going for me. I'm sure it'll be mostly through this blog as I don't let much if anything stop me from just saying what I'm thinking or feeling. I feel more free when I write than when I speak, so for the best information on my life and what's happening with me; stay tuned. :P

WOW! Just a couple more days and EVERYTHING changes! It's one thing to think about what I'm doing, but when it's being acted upon and it's actually happening, it's mind shaking! I can't believe all this is happening, it's surreal. I feel like I'm in a light daze, a bit hypnotized. I don't know exactly what to expect and what challenges I'll have to face in the next couple of days and especially in the next month, but I do know that for once, I'm truly looking forward to something. I'm looking forward to the difficulties I'm going to have to face. It should be interesting! :P

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Join the Dynasty - Take what karma owes you!

I have a mother-fucking place to live in Marietta, GA! I will be located only 4.1 miles away from Evienne! <3

A lifetime of shit and now it's finally starting to pay off! I have a fucking life for once!

I wish there was a way to express my excitement and happiness... It's not possible.

I'm doing the insane and the improbable...

And I am making it fucking work!

Take that in the ass!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Is this a test? It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on...

The Struggle

The title is from a song by Tool. It reminds me of how I feel right now. I feel like I'm struggling and fighting to accomplish something amazingly difficult. At the same time, I feel completely incapable of summoning the strength to complete the task. And to add to that, I don't feel like I have anybody to encourage me to go for it. That I'm doing the right thing, that it'll all be okay, that I can do this.

And yet, here I am, just a few short days away from the unknown. I don't know what's going to happen when I arrive in Georgia. I don't know how much money I'll have by then, I don't know where I'm going to live, I don't know where I'll find a job at. It all seems so uncertain.

The Hope

I'm able to maintain a sense of self amazement. How is it that I, Brian Lucas, am capable of pushing forward through such opposing odds? I've set this situation upon myself and I've doomed myself to failure, yet I don't feel scared. It's not even the sense that I have no choice, so I have to make it work, it's the sense that, I will not let this defeat me. I will conquer my fears and prove to myself that I will do whatever I have to in order to acquire my dreams. I will never settle for what I've been handed and I will rule my own life. This is so much more to me than trying something new or exciting, or doing something random and crazy. To me, this is my life, this is my everything. This is me finally proving that I do and mean what I say. I finally feel like I'm more than just words. I feel alive. I am human. I am happy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Monday, October 20, 2008

My Life... My Real Life!

Today was a pretty damn good day, I'd say! Evienne and I were upset and confused and a little down yesterday and early this morning. Then after talking some more we soon came to the conclusion that we were both worried that we upset each other, not that we were upset ourselves. She thought I was upset with her, I thought she was upset with me, turns out, I was upset because I thought I upset her, and she was upset because she thought she upset me. Turns out we just wanted to make each other happy.

Confused? LMAO!

Once we realized this, we just trusted each other and things got a lot better. I had a wonderful day full of talking to Evienne and we had silly fun picking out wedding rings and children names. Evienne and I talk ALL the time! Every chance I get, I try to talk to her. I care for her a LOT and I want nothing more than to be with her every chance I get. I always hated talking on the phone, but I talk with Evienne for hours on end about nothing at all usually and I thoroughly enjoy that!

Look at this woman closely folks! This is the woman I envision spending the rest of my days with. The woman I look forward to seeing each and every day. The woman I'm truly proud to stand next to and show off to the world. She is my happiness.

She has stripped away the pain I felt deep inside, that lay dormant, corroding my soul. She has shown me so damn much in such a short amount of time, I am eternally grateful to her.


I had to call karate today to let them know what I was doing and what's going on. It was extremely difficult for me to do. I love karate, it's everything to me, it's my life goal, my hopes and my dreams. But in doing that and still feeling so certain I am doing what is right for me, I have proven to myself that I'm strong enough to do what I need in order to be happy. I have shown myself that I'm capable and willing enough to chase my dreams at whatever cost.

The greatest feeling I have right now is one of anxiousness. I'm anxious to get out of here, to be with Evienne, to start a new life in Georgia, to discover and fight for what I want out of life and to never settle for what I've been given. I feel strong and empowered. I feel undefeatable. How can I worry about not being able to have the latest and greatest gadgets or have enough gas money to go on a vacation, when I have to worry about where I'm going to live, how I'm going to survive, or what it'll take to be truly happy. Life is good to me now because I force it to be that way, I'm not taking any more crap from this life and I'm going to fight for what I want...

And I WILL emerge victorious!

Happy Holloween!

I sold my TV today and made $300 out of the deal. I then put all my money on my card and went home and purchased an airplane ticket for October 31st at 10:52AM out of Buffalo, NY. I'll arrive in Atlanta, Georgia at 12:36PM, where I'll meet Evienne and begin the life I've been waiting for!

Tomorrow morning I hope to go to Olean to sell my movies and games at EBgames, I just have to find someone to loan me a car. Whatever I make out of that I'll add to my card as well. Then hopefully tomorrow night I'll know if the girl from work wants to buy my Xbox 360 and stuff for another $300. Add in my leftover paychecks I'll receive from work, and also me selling my speakers for at least $250, and I think I'll be all set! If all goes very well the way I'm hoping it will, I could have close to $1500! I'm certain that if I had that much, I could definitely make life work down there!

I figure I just need enough money to afford a place to stay for a month. In that time I could find a job or two and work long enough to receive paycheck enough to pay for the following month's rent. After that, I'd be all set and I could then feel secure enough about living there. Then I can start worrying about things like what furniture to buy, where to take Evienne on dates to, and things of that nature.

That's my goal in life right now; to be able to worry about things like that. To have my biggest problem be "loveseat or couch", not "will I survive another day?".

So as of this moment, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I finally have something to look forward to. I finally found someone who I truly look forward to hearing from each and every day. Evienne means so much to me and I've been a complete failure at expressing that clearly enough to her. I mean, I know she realizes I like her and I care for her, but I feel she doesn't understand how important she is to me, how happy she makes me, and how deep my feelings run for her.

Evienne is most certainly the woman with whom I could envision spending the rest of my life with. I would look forward to waking up each and every day next to her. She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, talented individual and I can't believe I've met someone as wonderful as her. She's absolutely worth pursuing and that's what I intend on doing. I just hope I can make her even a fraction as happy as she makes me.

This woman means everything to me!

Friday, October 17, 2008

It begins!

And there you have it folks :P

A place to live! It's only 4.9 miles away from Evienne! <3

The lady I talked to was VERY nice and helped me out a LOT!

All I need now is a little bit of money (about 1,000 dollars) and I'm SET!!!

Take that! :P

What a day!

Hah, I was just about to start writing about my day and how rough it was on me, then just as I held my fingers over the keyboard and thought what I'm typing now, something occured to me: "I have something to talk about for once! I feel like I have a life! I feel like things are happening, for better or worse, I feel like a person!". That really amazes me, I've never felt that way before!

Well, what I WAS going to say is that today I told Fox's Pizza that I intended on heading south by the end of this month, and that I wished to put in my two weeks notice. My nerves were shot and my heart was racing, I was so worried about what they would say or think. Even though I know it doesn't matter, I got myself that worked up, it was terrible for me. It went well and she knew what I was going to say before I even said it, and she didn't say much else. I don't know what I thought she might have said, but I was worried about what she'd think. I just can't let myself dwell on it and I just need to forget about it.

Well, then I got home and told Kim about me leaving to head south and she went home and told Matt and Keayra. Keayra was terribly upset and started crying and begged Kim to let her see me :( I felt so badly for her. I knew she liked me and loved me as an uncle, but I didn't realize she loved me THAT much! It was really touching. She brought me all her favorite Pokemon cards and a one dollar bill, in case I want to buy a soda. It took all I had to not break down and cry.

But because of this I now feel certain I'm doing what I feel is right. If I can deal with all these things happening to me and still feel as sure as I do about moving, then I feel I'm truly doing what I want, and not what everyone else says I should be doing. I finally feel free, like an individual.

It is by no means easy for me to do this, but because I'm still so certain about going through with it, it feels wonderful! I'm so happy for once in my life! I can't stress enough how I feel.

I can also find solice in knowing that it doesn't have to be the last time I talk to or see my family and friends here. I can e-mail them, write them letters, talk to them on the phone, and visit them on holidays or just because. At least I can tell them I found something I wanted in life, I found a direction to head towards and I fought valiantly to aquire my own happiness! I sought my own dreams and didn't let them slip away from me! I'll feel like a hero.

I am going to love living in Georgia! It's so much nicer there than here or Florida as I've previously mentioned. I'm really excited and I've found apartments to look at on Craigslist and jobs as well. I've got a flight planned for November 3rd, in which I'll arrive in Georgia at 9:52 AM. I'm so damn excited to meet Evienne! I'm so fortunate to have someone as wonderful as her to help me get situated and instill confidence in me that no matter how daunting it all may seem, there will always be hope, and that I CAN make it! I can't find the words to explain my feelings for her that have developed. I care for her beyond explanation, she is a beautiful, talented, intelligent, funny, caring, and loving woman; I could not have asked for better. I love talking to her and she always makes me feel happy and secure. She is the strength I've been looking for to move forward with my life. She's always there for me to make me feel better when I feel hopeless, she's the light that glows inside my dreams and my soul. With her, I feel invinsible!

Like I've mentioned, even if we don't mesh well in person and a relationship won't work for us, I'll still be able to live and enjoy my life in Georgia. I could find someone else to share my happiness with; someone who wants me, someone who wants to love me. I just feel right now that with all my heart, I just hope it's Evienne who becomes the love of my life! I care for her so much, she makes me so happy and I want it to work out and I want to have a happy life with her, but I just won't let myself feel hurt or sore if that's not what happens. No matter what, I know I'll be happy.

I'm just so damn excited about something for once in my life. I am anxious to have a life I enjoy! I can't wait much longer!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A little hope

Well I have an offer for my TV and my Xbox 360 so far, and just today it finally occured to me that I can sell all my movies and games to EBgames for cash! I know it won't be much, but I don't care about the stuff anymore and I just need as much money as I can acquire!

I plan on being out by the end of this month at the latest. Knowing my luck that won't happen, but I remain hopeful.

I will be so happy to be able to start over.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I feel so sick :(

I just want to be there so badly. This is really killing me. I'm losing focus and having trouble thinking straight at work. Evienne is on my mind constantly. I've never cared for anyone like I do her.

I want this torment to end. I want to be near her so intensely :(

Please, I'm begging; if there is ANYthing you could do to help me be with her, PLEASE help! I have fallen for her so hard. I don't know if we'll "work out" or not, but I do know I want to try. I want to know I did everything I could to be with her. If nothing happens, at least I'll be in a state and setting I can enjoy moreso than being here.

I am putting a lot of hope into this, but I won't let myself get hurt. I'll be happy no matter what.

I just wish with all my heart that I can share a life with Evienne. I hope she feels the same towards me.

I can't take this much longer, it hurts...


Estate Sale :P

Does anyone want to buy my awesome stuff?

I'll really appreciate it! ;)

Message to Sam and Angie (and whoever else may care)

Hey Sam sorry I missed talking to you. I've just been infatuated with the new girl. I've been ignoring all the other people in my life. I don't feel bad about it though because anyone else in the world would do the same if they thought they were in love and as crazy as me :P So, just don't think it's against anyone in paticular, I'm just living in my dream world.

Angie, I'm moving to Marietta, Georgia. It's about 30 minutes away from Atlanta. I don't know the exact location yet :P

I found a couple people at work to buy some of my stuff and if it all goes through, I should have about $800 from it!

I'm going to wait as long as I can stand it (which at this rate, won't be long) and then I'm going to gather all my money and a duffel bag of clothes and stuff and hop a plane to Georgia.

I decided that I really want to be in Georgia even if it doesn't work out with her. I think it's a great place because it won't get TOO hot, it won't get TOO cold, it's not in the middle of the city, and it's not out in the middle of nowhere. Shopping and malls and stuff are just a jaunt away.

I think I'm going to be really happy! I can't wait to start over. I also have to keep in mind that just because I'm moving doesn't mean that I can't still talk to everyone that I care for. I'm sure I can find time to visit once and a while too.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Found Her!

This is the end of me trying to lie to myself. I've now come to grips with my insanity.

I will do anything I have to in order to make myself happy. I've grown stagnant, I've been rotting, and now I've found hope. A hope of my entire life's dream.

I know what has to happen now, I have made up my mind.

I'm moving.

Moving on with my life. I'm leaving the decay I feel being here, I'm chasing a fairy tale dream land. No matter what I'll always be happy. It's now time I shared the real me that no one has ever met. Nobody has EVER in my ENTIRE life known who I was, what I thought, and what I felt. But as the title suggests; I've found her!

I've been shown things I was completely oblivious to. I thought I was content, until I realized I have nothing here. I need to do this to prove to myself that I'll never "accept" or "settle" for what I've been given.

I'm throwing it ALL away to chase something that rightfully shouldn't exist. I'm completely delusional and idiotic when it comes to the "real world", I have no desire to deny this truth.

I live in my own dream, I actively choose to be unaccepting of reality. I love it.

I feel alive because I don't accept what I should see as "real", I keep chasing a fantasy, a story book children's tale. I love being foolish and stupid. It's enabled me to not be attached to objects, to material posessions. I realize I can't take all this shit with me, so there's no point in living for it. I want to etch-a-sketch end this life I've led so far and start over.

I need a new life. I need to do this now before I convince myself I'm being crazy. I KNOW I'm crazy, and I simply can't express my self correctly, but if you want to know me, what I think and feel; know this:

I am happy. I love myself. Leading a "reality based" life is not for me. I will continue to live a fantasy for as long as I live. I will always be caught chasing love. It's all I desire; is to be loved. I've never felt love in my life. I fooled myself in to thinking I knew, but I was blinded and oblivious. All I know is that when I do find the love I'm looking for, I won't have to work to find it, It'll just feel right to me, I won't have a choice because my whole body and spirit will force me to feel true love. I am happy.

If all I've said sounds random and non-sensical, I'll gladly make it clear :P

-I'm moving to the state of Georgia to chase a girl I met on an online dating site. I've only been talking to her for about 5 days, and I'm sure I don't know hardly anything about her and what she's like.

It's that simple:


Thank you to everyone who's ever even talked to me. I appreciate all I've been given, but you just have to deal with the fact that I'm not going to just settle for less than I deserve.

If I died, I'd die knowing I'm insane enough to chase love all over the world. I'd know I did everything I could to feel loved. I would die a VERY happy man!

Thus begins a new chapter in my life...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I am so fucking lonely :( I hate being alone. anyone who knows me knows my biggest fear is to be alone and that's all I feel anymore, is so desperately alone.

I find the VERY limited amount of people I'm interested in and something is always wrong. It's depressing.

Maybe I should lower my standards and just get anyone I can that's nearby. :((

I want to scream but no one would hear me.

I feel like the only people I can talk to don't give a shit about me anymore. They either think I'm boring or stupid or both.

I hate this. I do NOT deserve this shit... this steaming pile of endless excrement.

I'm not stupid and I'm not a bad person, so STOP treating me like I am. I know you're stupid and you've made bad mistakes, but I'm not as dumb as you. I've messed up more than you ever will. I'm a complete fuck up and my life is a testament to that. I've learned my lessons from my mistakes and am WAY ahead of you in lessons learned!

I've grown up WAY before my time and I never had a chance at a real childhood. No one cares about me. No one and I mean NO ONE ever showed interest in ME! I was never asked the right questions and no one cared enough for me to try to ask. No one knows or understands me. No one cares about why I think the way I do. It's so fucking endlessly lonely. I love myself and know what kind of person I am, but no one else feels the same towards me.

I just want to be wanted. I want to be loved. :( I HATE being so alone!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Single and lovin' life! LMFAO!

Hori SHIT!! My life is fuckin' AWESOME! I've lost weight, I look fucking HOT, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm a wonderful person, I'm an atheist (which proves my intelligence), and I just FUCKING RULE!!!

Your loss BITCH!! LOL!!

Friday, October 03, 2008

Naya is my hero!

Oh my fucking god! LOL! I don't know how to thank you enough Linnea, I owe you BIG time!

I finally have the internet back at my house thanks to her!

I am more happy than I have been in a LONG LONG LONG time!!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

At least I think I'm interesting! Sheesh!

Screw you assholes, all you pieces of shits.. You'll all get yours! I'mma stalk and kill ya'all!

Nah, not really, I'm feeling a little too lackadaisical today, so you lucked out this time damn ya!

Actually I'm really excited now, excited about meeting new people and doing the dating thing. I've never actually done it before, so it sounds fun to me.

I know what I want and I'm not going to sacrifice my integrity for anyone. So no matter what, I'll always be happy.

Maybe tomorrow I'll murder you...

...don't sleep!