I don't know how to write this, as everything that I say would be easily contradicted as "Satan's" words, or venomous language. And there is nothing I can think of to stop you from saying that, which before I even say anything, places me in a bad position. In other words, if I don't say what you want to hear (that I love God, and realize my mistakes in life, and so on and so forth) then it's written off as Satan's work, or the evil that has invaded my life.
So, with that, I want you to try your best to understand how you would feel if you were in this position. I mean, if I insisted that everything you said was the work of evil, and that unless you said what I wanted to hear, I would just ignore what you're truly saying, and blind myself to your opinions, just because they clash with mine.
That's where I stand about what I've said, and I haven't even said it yet. Quite a predicament, no?
But I'll try anyways...
I love my family as much as anybody else, I love you too Angela, I don't mean sarcasm in what I say towards you, just me being silly. I don't write like that and think to myself that you would be unable to pick up on some kind of sarcasm I've said; I don't write you off as unintelligent.
I've come to realize a few things through my "hardships", that have changed my outlook on things, things like life, God, people, and feelings of mine and others.
When I was homeless and sleeping on a park bench for about 15 minutes at a time in the middle of winter with nothing but sandles to wear, I could have called and pleaded with friends and family for a place to stay, and I would have been "fine". But at that time, I made a choice. I decided that I got myself into this situation, and that I'm the one that needs to get me out of it. I've never regreted that descision since.
I've come a LONG way from that point in my life, in a relatively short amount of time. I got myself on HUD, got food stamps; later got a job as a gas attendant, and then got myself a place to live and a wonderful person to share my life with.
It all happened so quickly it seems, looking back on it all. But I do remember being in that situation and thinking it would never end. One thing that I do clearly remember though, is that at NO time did I ask ANYONE for help, God included. I made it crystal clear in my mind that it was my problem and I need to get myself out of it. Now with this, I realize the press-release answer to that here; that God didn't need me to ask for help, He knew and He loves me, thus you can see where I can't "win" here.
Since that time, and with a lot of other hardships past me, I've made some important choices in my life that affected my view of the world and how I'm going to live in it.
I've decided that religion holds no water under ANY pressures, and that belief in ANYTHING supersticial is just plain silly, and it's sad to see friends and family destroying others lives in order to push their thoughts on, to make them feel better about themselves, that they've done something to help, when they've only hurt.
Using scare tactics to control people is sad, especially when you only say these things to people because you're afraid yourself of something that you were told would happen if you didn't do exactly as what was being taught.
I don't see anything wrong with being afraid of death, or wanting something better for society; a hope of something so great, it puts meaning in you're life.
What is wrong though, is when you take what you say and use it as a scare tactic to control others; to scare them into believing that if they don't do EXACTLY as you or your book says that they will suffer for all eternity. Your ideals concern me, because they're so non-sensical, and they hurt so many lives.
The reason I do the things I do is because I've realized how precious life is. I don't want to die before I'm ready, nor do many other people. I love life, and I love what it means. I realize that at any time I could pass away, and that if there is no after-life, then I leave with NOTHING, including caring about the fact that I'm dead. That makes me sad. On the other hand, the only hope I have is to leave some kind of legacy, one for others to view and form their own opinions about. If my life affected someone in a way that changed them, then they can pass that down to someone else, and so on and so forth. That seems to be all I can hope for.
That, and happiness....
I want to be happy. I want to enjoy this fleeting life I have. I can't do that by living ideals of someone else. I can't bring myself to blindly follow someones orders because they sound nice to me and offer me hope. I have to enjoy my life as I see fit, in order to truly enjoy it.
I love being happy, and I can't be happy by hurting others simply because I wouldn't want them to hurt me in the same way. There's a saying; "put yourself in their shoes" which is pretty much what I live by.
I wouldn't want someone hurting me and being mean to me, so why would I do that to someone else? To me, it just doesn't make sense.
I've decided also that I make my life, and that I make the choices that affect it. So with that, how can I be sad with my life? I made it and I can change it. I'm not "stuck" in my life, I've created this life, and thusly, I LOVE it!!!
I love being poor, because it provides a sense of responsibility, and realization of what it's worth. What I do have, I have earned and I treasure. The same philosophy holds true for my outlook on life. What I've given myself, what I have, I treasure and I love. I love my life and I have no regrets, and if something awful did happen to me, I at least wouldn't regret what I've left behind. I wouldn't regret the life I've lived. Can most people say the same?
My mind isn't on track enough to write this as thoroughly as I would have liked to. I also know that in some peoples views, that all of this is just the work of the devil and that I just need to come to love the Lord and to be saved.
I don't know how to help you there, but I just hope that you use some common sense and think for yourselves for once, and realize that I'm as human as you are. I'm not the product of evil; I'm still your brother, and I love you too. I love all of my family and in no way am I trying to change your opinions, I'm just hoping that you treat me like a person and not a disease that you must rid of; that to me doesn't sound like love.
All I ask is that you let me have my own opininons, as I do for you, and that you love me as a person, as your brother. -Kamui-sama