The whole point of my spewings was to just make sure that you viewed me as a person, not as Satan's henchman. You seem to understand that and you seem like a relatively intelligent person yourself.
So with that I ask you that you use your intelligence to try to understand this:
I know why you "found" God and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. I don't know you that well Angie, I never got to know you really well, and that is something that I do regret. I care about ALL my family, and I've made some grave mistakes in my past, but I can't change that and I can only be the best person I can be now.
You must be able to realize that I know you care about me and that I care about you, and that I'm not insulting you with my posts to make myself feel better. I realize that I make plenty of mistakes all the time, and that I'm always learning. I know for a fact you're not stupid or ignorant, you've taught me a lot in the past, that you probably don't even know you did.
Now, the reason I say I know why you found God is that I know what kind of a person you used to be. It may have not been the person you felt inside your self, but it was the person you projected to other people, the people who didn't know you to see how wonderful you were. Surely you had friends in your life, surely you had plenty of happiness. And I know for a fact that you had a LOT of happiness that I could never know about.
What I do know however, is that Angie that I remember so vividly. The Angie that laid on the couch most of the day, watching TV and reading TVGuide. The Angie that cried a lot. The Angie that seemed sad and lonely to me, her brother. The Angie that tried to change that many times over by working out, eating better, doing things that made her happy. With what limited time I had with you, it never seemed to work out for you and inside me that made me sad for you. I always cared about you and it made me worry to see you so miserable all the time I knew you.
Then it all changed.
I suppose it was five years ago, like you said, that you changed who you were for the much much greater. You've been a completely different person from the one I knew. AND THAT'S GREAT!!! You seem SO much happier. You deserve happiness and I'm glad that you've found it in the right place.
That place being church and God.
I view your finding of God as a group, like the girl scouts, or after-school program. The difference being, your group has much nicer people than most. You've found a group of accepting friends; people who accept you for who you are. People who treat you as you deserve to be treated. You've found happiness, friends, safe fun, and hope. Hope of something greater. Hope of a better future for you, me, and everyone else. You found friends who genuinely care about your feelings, and who won't be so apt to get you in trouble; good people.
I'm ecstatic for you. You'll probably never know how much so.
It just upsets me when you suggest I'm being manipulated by the devil, that I'm not even my own person, just a puppet. I don't appreciate that. I haven't found God because I've used common sense, and I've accepted in my heart, the harsh reality that I WILL die! I've accepted that there is nothing to look forward to in death. But that doesn't stop me from hoping; hoping for something greater, and there is nothing wrong with hoping for a better life. But I don't use my hope as a weapon against the ones I say I love. I instead try my best to embrace what I do have with my family and cherish what I do have, instead of dwelling on what I don't.
I love life and I love my family, and I do my best to show it. You're one of the greatest people I've been fortunate enough to know, even though my time with you seems so short. I hope for better experiences with you. I miss you.
You deserve to be happy, and you deseve to meet someone special who shares your views. Please, don't ever "settle". You deserve greatness and there is nothing stopping you from acheiving it but you. And so far you seem indestructible in this path!
Keep it up, and know that I'll ALWAYS love you. I respect you the best I can, and I realize I'm not extremely intelligent, but I do know what I feel is true. And I feel you're a great person and you will be happy if you want to be.
I'm sorry but it's late and I'm tired. I'm going to turn in. Thanks for taking the time to read this, that alone shows me how wonderful a person you've become! -Kamui-sama (Brian J. Lucas)