Tuesday, February 19, 2008

4:11 A.M.

I feel oppressive...

What is it I want?

I try to enjoy life, but I destroy others. I feel unfit for the challenges of this world...

Every time I think I know what I want, I discover it's fleeting joy, all too soon I waste my time on things that hold no importance to me... I have no idea what it is I want from this life; love? joy? children?

I live vicariously through the happiness I see in the world, yet I feel as though my eyes are not mine. I live like a robot, pumping through the everyday to get somewhere that does not exist.

I have fear, love, kindness, and joy.... Why is it insufficient? Why do I feel as though it is not enough? Am I greedy?

I don't think so...

I'm just SO damn uncertain about my goals...

I just want to be happy, why am I made to feel so worthless everyday? Nothing I do is ever good enough.

I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I can't shake the feeling of death, it consumes my thoughts EVERY day.. It's making me loose focus of what I need to do NOW!

a) Take care of myself: mind and body

b) Find what makes ME happy, and work to acheive MY goals

c) Think of something new to think about

d) Do whatever I can to feel like I deserve someone as wonderful as Naya

e) Be a better Brian....

1 comment:

Samantha Lucas said...

Bubby I am sure it means nothing coming from me, but I look up to you. I think that you are smart, funny, interesting, kind, giving, and the best Brian you can be. Maybe I am seeing you through blind eyes, but when I speak of you to anyone it is always in the most positive of ways. I think that if people treat you badly or bring you down, they need to piss off, because they don't see who you really are. I love you Bubby, and you desereve the best in life.