Sunday, October 26, 2008

Is this a test? It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on...

The Struggle

The title is from a song by Tool. It reminds me of how I feel right now. I feel like I'm struggling and fighting to accomplish something amazingly difficult. At the same time, I feel completely incapable of summoning the strength to complete the task. And to add to that, I don't feel like I have anybody to encourage me to go for it. That I'm doing the right thing, that it'll all be okay, that I can do this.

And yet, here I am, just a few short days away from the unknown. I don't know what's going to happen when I arrive in Georgia. I don't know how much money I'll have by then, I don't know where I'm going to live, I don't know where I'll find a job at. It all seems so uncertain.

The Hope

I'm able to maintain a sense of self amazement. How is it that I, Brian Lucas, am capable of pushing forward through such opposing odds? I've set this situation upon myself and I've doomed myself to failure, yet I don't feel scared. It's not even the sense that I have no choice, so I have to make it work, it's the sense that, I will not let this defeat me. I will conquer my fears and prove to myself that I will do whatever I have to in order to acquire my dreams. I will never settle for what I've been handed and I will rule my own life. This is so much more to me than trying something new or exciting, or doing something random and crazy. To me, this is my life, this is my everything. This is me finally proving that I do and mean what I say. I finally feel like I'm more than just words. I feel alive. I am human. I am happy.

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